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for several years now, even though I am not an adult, I feel uncomfortable about who I am (I tried to formulate it normally). the thought of death and aging makes me wildly tense, I don't want it at all. I thought about killing myself at the age of 40, so as not to grow old, but again - death repels and scares.
I don't want to be a man, a girl, a boy. I dream of not having a uterus, having a male physique (purely because I find it aesthetic), but there were no male genitals (as well as breasts). so that I don't fall under stereotypes about this or that gender, so that I seem and be something sublime. For a while I dreamed of being immortal at the age I am now, but not in the form of a human. I want to reveal everything in this universe, to observe people. maybe the theme of immortality immediately evokes thoughts about "loneliness" and so on, but it seems to me a great option, even if it is so far away.
also, I seem to have lost empathy for other people, I don't behave the way I did before, and I don't really need friends as such (or we can say that one is enough, just to understand that there is a person nearby. and that's it). more precisely, I am capable of empathy itself, but I don't show it...properly?? although I worry quite a lot about myself and my health, I constantly go to the doctors (but this is so, by the way).
I cannot perceive any course of events that fits a typical variant of people's lives normally.
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