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I'm tired of living, I don't know what to do with this life that I've been given. Everything is senseless. Its almost like all these hardships are not actually worth the price. I don't enjoy the things as I did when i was younger. Things that used to excite me, don't anymore. And the first thought that comes to my mind in the morning is again, i'm going to do this all over again. My brother recently died because of a heart attack, and I really wish i was him. Because i think i'll rather be dead than living this life.
I'm approaching my thirties, and all I've been doing for the past twenty eight years of my life, is pleasing other people. I've been abused all my life, physically, emotionally, sexually. So I just fell into the trap of having to please others, so that they would love me, so that I would protect myself.
Now I feel trapped because of all that. And life just seems like a never ending black hole.
I don't want to see a doctor for this, because i don't want to be medicated.
What eases this feeling is nature, so everyday i just have to dedicate some time to just exist in nature, whether its a forest or a beach. When i'm there, my mind just shuts down and the person that lives this life stops existing, and i'm left with this relaxed body. But i can't stay there forever because I live in the city and i have to drive at least 1 hour to find a natural space.
So that's why i think this solution is not permanent. I can't do this for the rest of my life. I should be able to feel good in own life. I don't know.
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When did you hit your rock bottom?
Could you come out of it? If so then how. And if you're at your rock bottom like me, hold on, I'm with you too!...
*hugs tight and hard* It must have been so hard dealing with everything. It must have been so so hard. I wish I could give you a genuine warm hug. It's so unfair. Thank you for expressing yourself even if it was only a fraction of your problems. I heard you and your words and feelings.
Pleasing others is an exhausting activity. And the fact that it mostly always backfires and that they take advantage of us instead, is just another attack over an already exposed wound. It's good to see them pleased if we are lucky. But behind that sense of relief, what we mostly feel is anxiety, isn't it? How to please them next time? This way of life is just...self destructive. We do it for our protection and yet all we do get is more and more injuries to our mental health, which in turn affects our physical capacity to deal with all the crap.
I think...all wounds heal. They DON'T vanish. The scars stay no matter what. And it can't be changed. But, if you change the position of who controls your emotions from others to your own self, your hurt can turn into your salvation. I mean, of course it isn't as easy as words can be written. From time to time, the people pleaser in us would resurface. And that never ever means that it's impossible for us to be better. Scars remain for a reason. As cruel it is, it's a sign of what all you had to go through. You are not just a victim who suffered...you are a god damn survivor. Think of yourself when you were a kid. And be there for that little kid like no one else could ever manage.
Why do you think we lose interest over what we used to be excited in doing? Is it because we lose interest? Or is it because innocent thoughts no longer exist? Why can't we paint and just be at awe how bright the colours? Why can't we dance like crazy without a care in the world letting all the frustration loose? Why can't we sing happily anymore even if we sound awful?
The biggest obstacle in our life is our own self. And yet this biggest barrier has the purest way to control it. By loving ourselves :( Accepting and forgiving oneself if insecurities resurface and moving forward or taking a break. Whatever HELPS you. Not whatever helps your escape, but only what helps you to live. Because. You deserve everything. YOU DESERVE IT ALL.
ReplyThank you for understanding and for your kind word. Yes people pleasing is so exhausting, it drains so much energy from your body, to the point that you're left with no energy for anything else. I try to not please people, starting with the little things, I even catch myself in the process of doing something that I don't want to do, and I try to back off. The problem is that I often find myself isolated from other people. The process of being so self aware is demanding, so I just rather stay alone. Then I'll have no people to please.
ReplyThe fact that you have been trying from scratch is admirable at its finest. Great job in doing that for yourself because it takes a lot of perseverance and like you said, isolation. Being self conscious to some extent is normal, but is there someone in whose presence, you are not thinking of how to conduct yourself, but only to live and enjoy? For most people, that comforting warm presence is their own self, and they find the right people along their lives. So, what is it for you?
ReplyI wish I can die right now immediately I don’t want live anymore and I want to die I wanna become dead
ReplyI wish I could give you the biggest hug right now. Are you still here?
Reply