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My depression journey started from my first year of college.
I had come to study outside my home for the first time.
I used to think that I am different from all these people, I have no place here.I came from Hindi medium school, I used to feel that I am insignificant in front of all. You seek happiness in such situations and also afraid to talk to people that they may come to know about me and will judge me.I still remember my first friend in college "smriti" came to my room to meet me I returned her from the gate. Everytime I used to live in fear that people would judge me.
Then time passed, some special friends came in my life who gave me a lot of happiness& they became my life.I will be thankful to them for the rest of my life.
In 2014, I lost my grandfather, he was suffering from brain cancer, he was very close to my heart. He didn't want to leave us until his last breath. I still remember he used to say from my dad "Rakesh mujhe bacha lo".I was in college, I was told a day after his demise. This is the biggest regret of my life, I couldn't even see him for one last time.
Then came the 4th year placement environment-
Me and my room mate( world's best room mate) "Ayushi".We used to study the whole night and then at 4 in the morning, we used to make and eat Maggi.That was the best part of my life(hardwork+maggi).
Everyone was preparing for placements. I was preparing for CAT, I got "imt Nagpur College" Then I got placement in Ericsson.
I got everything that a normal girl would want but everything was taken away from me.
We come from a small town where parents want their children to become an IAS/PCS.
I was told that you prepare for IAS and leave the job & don't think about MBA, "IAS YAS bano". Like an obedient daughter I obeyed.
Now it's 2018-
when I didn't know anything about IAS then I started studying.
By God's grace I gave PCS exam in October and got successful in my first attempt.
Then it's February 17th, 2019-
I was in delhi & get the news of my brother's demise. It felt like the ground had slipped from under my feet.I was shattered. I was afraid that as I could not see my grandfather for the last time, I would not be able to see my brother either.I am thankful to my sister that she called me after fighting with my mother.I can never forget that face.I couldn't even get tears when I saw him.I thought Abhiuday will wake up after sometime he is sleeping .The grief of losing your younger brother is very painful. My whole family was broken, we never thought this would happen with us.
Then in 2019 i gave my mains examination & i was not able to crack mains examination.
Then in 2019 my examination form got rejected.This is like waste of a year of hardwork.
I do not think that the cause of depression is one, it is a combination of many accidents. Which has such an effect on your mind that you cannot get out of it.
In my family, we also had different opinions, I wanted to study and then settle but after the brother's demise, everyone felt that i should get married.
After me,my brothers and sisters will be able to get married. But i told them "mere bhai behan ki shadi kar do, mein exam clear hone ke hi karugi".
But as time went on, I started feeling that my life has stopped, everyone's life is running around me.
All these things have made me a fearful, underconfident, depressed girl.
I have forgotten my own achievements. I don't see any way out now and there is no cure for it.
I have started finding happiness in people and when someone leaves, I feel that maybe there is some fault in me or people recognize that I am a depressed person.When she is not happy with herself, how will she make someone else happy?
There is lots of research that shows talking through is helpful, but not only that, the connection with another person is vital. But i dont think so.No matter how much we talk about depression, but when it comes to practical life, no one understands what situation you are going through, no one understands you. It's you and your status of mind. You will fight your journey on your own. You can't find happiness in other because they can't feel what you will. But it's obvious sometimes you really want someone to hug you and say everything will be fine don't worry.
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You seem to have had a lot of misfortune in a short amount of time which is very stressful. We can all agree on that. And I am not going to try to lessen your experiences by saying "It's OK", but I will say that the very fact that you are writing and sharing those experiences with us is a HUGE step into working through things that discolor your outlook. You have the ability to see it for what it is and that thaes experiences need noting. That in itself is beautiful sign of maturity and growth.
You have every right to feel the way you do. You are human, having human experiences. You are way stronger than you think you are. You are doing everything right. You are feeling everything the way it should be felt.
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