What are you looking for?
It's all just noise.
2 months ago · · Suicide
Today is a dark day, a black day. I want more than anything to end myself here and now, but I can't. There are kids asleep in the spare bed in my room—my nephew and my niece. If they weren't there, I'd hang myself right there in the closet.
I don't have a whole lot to share in this entry. I'm just documenting it because I've never felt a despair as overwhelming as this. I am no longer afraid to die, in fact I yearn for it. Today would have been a great day to do it. It's windy, not too hot. All I can hear is the rustling of trees outside. It's a sweet, sweet day to be choked out.
There is no point in remaining, not when my whole existence will be just like this, for however long I persist. I don't feel like I am growing. I feel like I am stuck in a sort of half-state, a limbo, not really a person living but an animal surviving. I do not feel as though I can get past it. And as long as I live in this half-state, unable to find joy, unable to seek pleasure, unable to experience anything but pain in my chest and darkness all around me, there will be no point to existing.
Dying seems like the only answer to what I'm feeling. A permanent solution to make sure I will never have to feel like this again. When the kids are gone, back to their parents when the summer has ended, I will take my life on a quiet afternoon.
It doesn't matter anymore. Everything is out of reach now.