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Today is a dark day, a black day. I want more than anything to end myself here and now, but I can't. There are kids asleep in the spare bed in my room—my nephew and my niece. If they weren't there, I'd hang myself right there in the closet.
I don't have a whole lot to share in this entry. I'm just documenting it because I've never felt a despair as overwhelming as this. I am no longer afraid to die, in fact I yearn for it. Today would have been a great day to do it. It's windy, not too hot. All I can hear is the rustling of trees outside. It's a sweet, sweet day to be choked out.
There is no point in remaining, not when my whole existence will be just like this, for however long I persist. I don't feel like I am growing. I feel like I am stuck in a sort of half-state, a limbo, not really a person living but an animal surviving. I do not feel as though I can get past it. And as long as I live in this half-state, unable to find joy, unable to seek pleasure, unable to experience anything but pain in my chest and darkness all around me, there will be no point to existing.
Dying seems like the only answer to what I'm feeling. A permanent solution to make sure I will never have to feel like this again. When the kids are gone, back to their parents when the summer has ended, I will take my life on a quiet afternoon.
It doesn't matter anymore. Everything is out of reach now.
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Its never fun to feel the way you feel. Believe me, we have all gone through difficult times in our life where we question what's the point of it all or if its even worth living. I get it.
The truth is that life is hard. Like the old saying goes..."this is earth, it ain't heaven". Its supposed to be hard at times, but it also can be very rewarding if you give yourself time to overcome your difficulties.
These is also a saying that " we are never tested beyond our abilities". This means that you will never be faced with a challenge that you are not strong enough to overcome. Whatever you are facing, as impossible as it may seem, or as dark as you may be feeling, has definite way out and a definite solution.
You must find all your inner strength during these times and fight to live another day. I can guarantee you with 100% confidence that these feelings will eventually lessen and things will get better and better over time if you just keep trying.
There is much support on the site and sites just like this, but it could also be very beneficial to talk to someone you trust or even a licensed professional that could help you get some of this weight off your chest.
My hope for you is that one day in the future you come back to this post and be overloaded with joy on how far you have come. Just keep busy, and keep thinking about the blessings in your life no matter how small they may seem.
Praying for help is also extremely beneficial. We all fall down you know.
I will pray for you and will be rooting for you.
All the best,
ReplyI know times feel dark but they can and do get better. Ive felt this way before. More times than one. I never went through with it because I believe there's some purpose to being here. Not just for me but you and everyone else. Please don't take your life. Nothing is worth it and you're not replaceable. Might sound cliche but its true. Please stay we need you here. So do your family. Yeah life gets hard I know it does. Doesn't mean we have to give up.
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