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I lost myself.
4 days ago · · ADHD,
Today I saw a tiktok of a lady that stitched another tiktok about a person with autism who was not traumatized. I didn’t have the heart to look at the full video of the untraumatized person but I watched this lady’s reaction to it. She said that it was cute when she was a child. The way she stimmed. Her family members would say that she was always singing and dancing and was happy and goofy but as she got older, she got told that she needed to act her age, that it wasn’t appropriate. And I just felt that to my very core. I broke down. This random tiktok broke me down. I’m still crying as I write this down right now.
I was that child. I was the overactive, dancing around, singing all the time, happy child. I have pictures of me dancing on top of a table in my underwear with a comb as a mic. I had pictures of me singing karaoke and I had recordings in those cassette tapes of me just singing in the car when my parents drove me places. It was pure unadulterated joy.
I don’t even remember when it stopped being cute or when it stopped being appropriate but I stopped. I felt more restricted. I felt like my entire being was controlled. I had to even watch how I breathe and how I open and closed doors. I got strange looks from my classmates when I accidentally let my mask crack ever so slightly and stimmed. I…. lost myself.
And up until today. Up until I saw this tiktok. That never really sunk in to me. I never really realized what I lost. I caged my joy. I walked around this world in a straightjacket because my normal state. The real me was “inappropriate”
So here I am a 26 year old woman, with no passion for anything professionally, no goal in life, no idea who she is, no idea what she wants to do moving forward, and feels so exhausted to have to put another mask on.
I am 2 semesters away from graduating from a Master’s degree that I don’t even want and have no income source and has been rejected by countless jobs. I currently feel as if I have no value in life. Because I have nothing to offer to be valuable enough so I can earn a living. I am broken, I am wrong.
My parents adopted me. My biological father quit a profession that was sure to shoot him straight to success. And I never understood that until today. Because children with autism or adhd may have had parents with autism or adhd. I realize now that he just wasn’t happy. And he lived a life where he was judged and mocked for his decision. I realize now that my biological dad was probably going through what I am going through now. He did his best for his family; he earned a living enough to provide them with their needs and raise them. He had value. He was a great father. He was a product of his situation. I am a product of my situation.
I am terrified that my adoptive parents would think I’m a defect. That they adopted a broken person. That I disappointed them. I’m a money drain. I’m… a failed investment.
Last night. I found that Crunchyroll was hiring in Melbourne. I was ecstatic and I sent an application. I have no expectations. I am quite sure I won’t get hired. But this was the first job that I actually wanted. And that threw me off because for a moment… I felt like me again. Like, the same excitement I felt as a kid when I opened a present or when I had my favorite blanket and pillow. However, that is from the idea that I might get the job and that I might be able to work for a platform that gave me so much growing up. And then I became depressed. Because I realized that I was hoping for a good outcome. That I was hoping to get hired and work for them and be happy. That I was going to be happy for once. I know I won’t get hired by Crunchyroll but that doesn’t matter because I will probably try again in the future. I am just depressed because I know I won’t.
I realized again that this is my mask, that this is my mask preventing me to have unadulterated joy the way I want to experience it because its “inappropriate”. I’m wrong. I’m broken. A failed investment, a defected product. Disappointment.
I lost myself. I want her back.