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im trying to calm my anxieties and my attack down. so what if she does. and he. my friend and my well, ex i guess. so what if she kisses or sleeps with him. that just shows me who she was all along, and proves my thought that i wasnt the only one in the wrong. i think shes gaslighted me this whole time, to where im now at the point of truly believing that she hasnt done much wrong and im always the only one in the wrong no matter. we were together for almost two years. i have a ton of mental stuff. possible bipolar, depression, anxiety, adhd, repressed ptsd. i feel things, everything, so very deep. and often it clouds my thoughts and makes it so hard to think. we are both non traditional people. but i messed up. kissed someone when in a temporary closed aspect. that started it all. turning into all the past problems. turning into a journal she gave me full of things she hates about me. full of reasons to hate myself. it was a rocky one thru it all, i need love, support, and lots of time together. i enjoy just spending time together and any and all love im given i take it. maybe ive been love starved for a while. but i can be snappy sometimes. go through tough things and drops and ups that make me a different person for a little while. i can get upset at small things. when i feel like im not given enough love. or intimacy. because those are such important things to me. my love language is physcial touch. anyway. gettng turned around. it turned into all the problems weve had in our relationship and into all of them being because of me. because i didnt get flowers or think about her enough. i dont know whats true. whether thats true or if the truth is that i just couldnt give 100 percent all the time like any human. so i gave her time she asked for. then she came over because she was having a ptsd attack and i was there for her. calmed her down, got her to sleep. and then the next morning she woke up and didnt want to talk to me again. so again i give time. and she starts texting me a little again. and i reply. and then one night i go through one of the worst attacks of it all in my life. everything, all those problems, came crashing in on me. self hate, depressed, anxiety, everything. and i reached out to her because i was there for her and thought she would be for me. but she refused. and said it was she was uncomfy around me. i begged. still nothing. that was a couple days ago. now were texting a little again, and she said she would play an online game with me. then decided to hang out with a friend of mine instead. shes been texting off and on but idk, my mind assumes the worst. that stuff will happen. or, that she'll tell my friend about whats happened in our relationship, and he'll hate me too as much as i hate myself. that she'll turn him against me. i guess im trying to use this to get out of this anxiety attack but, idk if its working. i started seeing a therapist after everything first happened but, its so slow, and the feelings arent going away or getting more managable. idk.
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oh, I wish I could give you a hug and listen, it is not your fault. I can see that you are a good person and you tried your best. If your friend will turn against you, he's not worth it. he's not your real friend and I hope everything gets better soon<33
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