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It started around 4th grade, my memories are hazy but it involved other people gossiping a lot about me and even teachers doing “things” to me.
It was around that time I stopped being able to talk in a specific language. I’m bilingual but I lost an important part of me. The culture from my mother’s side.
I’m able to write in that language but when it comes to speaking…I just can’t. I just…I don’t know. I just can’t speak. It’s not that I hate speaking or that language or culture or anything but whenever people ask me stuff I just freeze. I can’t even talk to my relatives because of this and it makes me miserable because they’ve formed weird opinions of me. “Abnormal” “Autistic” “shy” “rude” “arrogant” etc
I talk a lot. I can text a lot too. But because I couldn’t speak in that language I couldn’t communicate with anyone at all. Not even my own mother. She doesn’t understand English very well and it’s just so frustrating because she misunderstands everything and I end up breaking down whenever the two of us can’t understand each other.
I stopped talking for the most part after a few years. Everyone spread rumors so no one ever approached me or let me approach them. I have no friends. The ones I had say I’m weird and now go to different schools.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I looked it up and found the term “selective mutism”. I wanted to find out more and stop being like this but going to a therapist in my country means that I’m “mad”. My parents said won’t pay for that stuff. I thought that maybe, MAYBE, when I grow up and get my own job I can leave the past behind and go to the therapist to figure out what to do with myself but guess what?
As soon as I finish my studies I’ll be getting a job and married off to a man I don’t even love. That’s how it is. I don’t even like men. I don’t even like people in that way. I came out as an asexual to my old classmates and they just laughed it off. I can’t even tell my family anything because they’re so “traditional”
Whenever I think about all this I just wish I could die. I wish I could stop existing. Wish I was never even born to begin with.
No one understands a thing I say, whenever I cry my parents say “you always do this. You’re a grown up now but you always cry over every little thing and get angry.”
I don’t leave my room anymore. I try making friends online but it never really lasts long. People get tired of me texting huge paragraphs to them. I can’t help it. That’s the only way I can talk without constraints and know that the other person can understand it better. I don’t even care I just want to be able to talk. I don’t care what language or person. I just want to be able to connect with someone and feel like a person. I just want to be happy
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Maybe it is what you say rather than the length of the paragraphs. If you talk about something interesting they should read it although people do text in sentences or short paragraphs. I think that they want to finish reading a message in a few seconds.
I don't know how things work in your country but when you get a job leave home so that your parents don't marry you off. Then see a therapist.
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