What are you looking for?
Featured Topics
Select a topic to start reading.
"I'm so close...so very close to telling them. My parents, when my father sits on the couch and reaches his hand out to me like he's done since I was six, I want to lay my head on his shoulder like before and just cry. To tell him that I'm not happy, that I've done so much without him and I have caused myself pain. I want to tell him about the new scar along my forearm and I want him to tell me that it's okay. I am so close to telling my mother in the car, I remember all the fun drives where I would tell her about all the books I've read beginning to end, I would tell her how I was feeling and she would do the best she could to help. By the end of the day, I would forget all my issues because she had me laughing at the song on the radio and thinking about all the crazy adventures I'll soon have. I'm always so close to telling her that I've done something wrong. I've done so much wrong, I've gone against her warnings about people and the pain they carry, I didn't listen when she told me that people who are in too much pain only know how to cause pain to others. I didn't listen when she said to watch my step when it came to my heart. I want to have her scold me but still love me. I want her to come into my room late into the night and rub my back and brush my hair while she thought I was asleep, just like she use to when I was young. I don't want the lights off anymore because I don't trust myself in the dark alone. I want to tell them both that I'm no longer okay. I want to tell them I'm sorry, I want to tell them that I love them, I just had to see for myself. I had to run along the rope and fall by myself without holding their hand but now I want it back. I want their hand to bring me back. I'm just so close but then I remember...the most painful thing of all. It would hurt them, they would see that I've changed into a girl they don't know. They would no longer know what to say to me or know what to do with me. I know they would never understand that I'm not okay, they would think that I was just trying to copy what I hear from others. They keep saying that I can't understand the pain and I never would. They say that I can't know pain because I have a perfect life. I have it all right here. They won't ever see that what they think is here isn't for me. They don't see all the washed-out colors I do. Do they know I still carry so much on my shoulders, stuff that goes back to when I was four? To when it was just me against the world? They don't because I want to be perfect in their eyes. I want to be okay and happy in their eyes. I don't want them to have to worry if I will come down the stairs to say good morning every day. I can't tell them because they only hear what they want and see what they want, and they have made it clear that anyone with issues less than normal is not what they want...I'm afraid the true me, the me that's not okay is the me they don't want. So when my father holds out his hand to me I take it and smile and laugh. When I drive with my mother I just listen to the music and tell her that I haven't been reading. I act like I'm just a normal girl that's changing but that is okay. I'll save my pain for the night when I know they have gone to bed. I'll remind myself that it will hurt worse to tell them about all that I feel and have done...I remind myself to fix this without them, it's my fault I let go of their hand, so now I have to fix this without it. I'll clean up the mess I've made without them..."
--From someone who wishes her parents would listen
If you see a comment that is unsupportive or unfriendly, please report it using the flag button.
More Posts
-
My BIRTHDAY ๐
Soooo yesterday was my bday right, my boyfriend isnโt too romantic sometimes. Heโs usually helped by his friends when he has something planned. For our anni...
-
Why is death not easy!!!
Why is it so difficult to live in this toxic world, I really wish I die.I don't think anyone would be upset about losing me.May be shed tears for few days. I'm...
hi uhm
Replyi want to tell someone my feeling AND I WANNA TELL HIM SO BAD but im scared..of rejectshon
ReplyAwe. Tell them if it would make you feel better. I tell my mom everything. There's nothing wrong with being close to your parents or siblings. Your mom sounds like a really wise person. You should listen to her. I've been in the same boat as you. I eventually just stopped talking to everybody except my fam. I get on here though. And sometimes I get a good comment that helps but not always.
Reply