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Dear Diary... I'm back.
1 month ago · · trigger warning, · Explicit
Dear Diary... I'm back.
August 07, 2022
Sunday. August 7th,2022 Time Started: 9:23 p.m.
Dear Dairy, It' been awhile since I've last opened your spiral back and written down my trauma, thoughts, and emotions. I know I haven't written in awhile but I guess I'm back, for a reason. I only write when I'm too sad and feel like cutting or trying to commit suicide. Lately I've been scared and sad to tell the truth. My birthday is coming up I used to be excited for this day to come but not anymore, not after the night of my birthday when I thought I could trust a friend. I snuck him in my house so he could have a roof over his head, but he had other plans in mind, his plan was to rape me. to this day especially with my birthday coming up, It feels like he's still here with me, at night. I can feel his body on top of mine. The pressure, the force he used on me, the silent cry's and screams for help, the energy to fight him off, the mental bruising he left. I've been stressed and sad about multiple other reason's as well. like moving to a new place, having my first job, my mom struggling with money but always working extra to make sure me and my sibling can have everything we want and need, and my dad getting in a wreck recently. If I'm being honest I thought the day my mom called me saying I need to come home and told me that my dad was in the hospital for getting in a wreck I thought "fuck I'm about to loose my dad". To this day I still feel scared of this lonely emptiness that I feel inside me every single night and time I'm alone, I get this urge of grabbing the blade and wanting to slice my wrist to let all the pain out , I think It will help bleed all the pain and emptiness I feel, or having the urge to grab the pill bottle and pouring all the pills in my mouth and swallowing It to wake up in either heaven or hell. At this point in my life at 16 I truly believe I deserve all the bad shit. Me and my mom were doing really good with our relationship as mother and daughter, but with everything going on It's been feeling like she's taking all her anger and stress out on me since I'm the oldest out of me and my sibling. Everything going on in my life maybe It's my fault. I snuck the boy in my house and then he raped me. I told my mom to tell my dad to go to the party so he can go have fun, then he got in his wreck. with everything I have done wrong I have truly failed my mother and have disappointed her. I'm not asking for your pity, I just want someone to hear me.
Time ended: 9:39 p.m.