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Dear Diary... I'm back.
9 months ago · 4 · trigger warning, +3 · Explicit
Dear Diary... I'm back.
August 07, 2022
Sunday. August 7th,2022 Time Started: 9:23 p.m.
Dear Dairy, It' been awhile since I've last opened your spiral back and written down my trauma, thoughts, and emotions. I know I haven't written in awhile but I guess I'm back, for a reason. I only write when I'm too sad and feel like cutting or trying to commit suicide. Lately I've been scared and sad to tell the truth. My birthday is coming up I used to be excited for this day to come but not anymore, not after the night of my birthday when I thought I could trust a friend. I snuck him in my house so he could have a roof over his head, but he had other plans in mind, his plan was to rape me. to this day especially with my birthday coming up, It feels like he's still here with me, at night. I can feel his body on top of mine. The pressure, the force he used on me, the silent cry's and screams for help, the energy to fight him off, the mental bruising he left. I've been stressed and sad about multiple other reason's as well. like moving to a new place, having my first job, my mom struggling with money but always working extra to make sure me and my sibling can have everything we want and need, and my dad getting in a wreck recently. If I'm being honest I thought the day my mom called me saying I need to come home and told me that my dad was in the hospital for getting in a wreck I thought "fuck I'm about to loose my dad". To this day I still feel scared of this lonely emptiness that I feel inside me every single night and time I'm alone, I get this urge of grabbing the blade and wanting to slice my wrist to let all the pain out , I think It will help bleed all the pain and emptiness I feel, or having the urge to grab the pill bottle and pouring all the pills in my mouth and swallowing It to wake up in either heaven or hell. At this point in my life at 16 I truly believe I deserve all the bad shit. Me and my mom were doing really good with our relationship as mother and daughter, but with everything going on It's been feeling like she's taking all her anger and stress out on me since I'm the oldest out of me and my sibling. Everything going on in my life maybe It's my fault. I snuck the boy in my house and then he raped me. I told my mom to tell my dad to go to the party so he can go have fun, then he got in his wreck. with everything I have done wrong I have truly failed my mother and have disappointed her. I'm not asking for your pity, I just want someone to hear me.
Time ended: 9:39 p.m.
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Allow a therapist to hear you.Reply
Heyy, I know you are going through all this and I know it's really hard to get through all this when you just want to give up and get rid of all the pain you experience. But I want you to honestly sit and think for 5 minutes. What is there to life? Why should you work and move forward in life? Why is it important to stay strong ? What is there at the end of this struggle? Then I want you to think about your problems. Why is it your fault that someone else ruined your life? Why should you suffer for the actions of somebody else? I know you blame yourself for snucking that vile guy into your room , but I want you to honestly believe me when I say it's not your fault. Trust is something that everyone has. People trust others and they never expect the other person to betray. We all do many kinds of secretive things like this , but some of them have worse outcomes. But that's okay. What's past is past. It's alright. I don't want you to hurt yourself . I want you to hold out a bit longer. Trust me when I say that life is beautiful at the end of the tunnel. But it's difficult to pass through this tunnel. Your mom may feel frustrated and may be taking her anger out on you, but you need to believe that it's in human nature as well. Most people take their anger out on others but they don't have any personal grudge towards them. I want you to keep those all out of your mind and focus on your future. I want you to work hard and create a name for yourself. Right now everything seems absolutely shitty and difficult af if life couldn't get worse. But after a rainy day the sun will always shine. And thats why I want you to not give up and hang on a bit longer. Hang on atleast for me please. Take revenge on the people that decided to ruin your life. Show them you are not one to be broken down under the actions of others. Please don't give up. There are people who love you and want you to stay alive and healthy and happy. If you read the life story of lady gaga , you will know she suffered this as well. But now look where she is. I wish you would go to a therapist and get help. But if you can't afford it , you should still not give up. Like I said hang on a bit and once you grown and get settled you can properly see a therapist and possibly reduce the crushing pain of the trauma you experienced. I love you. Hang on for a bit longer please. ❤️ You deserve a 1000 times better, you don't deserve anything bad.Reply