What are you looking for?
out of the bathtub
1 month ago · · Stress,
I sit here now, in this empty bathtub, cold and alone, wondering if all of the things I’m feeling are just me being over dramatic. How can I find out? Do I want to find out? What if the answer isn’t the one I was looking for?
Still I sit here, in this empty, cold tub, wishing I could see the world in others eyes. Do they see things the way i do? Am I crazy? Or am I just overwhelmed at the changes that I am about to face. The new challenges I will have to confront. No one can truly understand what I am feeling, not when even I can’t. Should I even bother trying to find out? Should anyone else help me try for that matter? Should I stay here in this bathroom forever? Or should I stand, and try to face the world head on the best I can? But what if I not only don’t want to, but I physically and mentally, can’t? It’s 10:45 at night. I work in a little over 12 hours now. Staying awake sounds exhausting, but trying to sleep in that god awful room that I have to share seems just as difficult to do.
Does he truly love me, or am I just a chore to him these days? We’ve been together so long now, one year in 5 days. He’s my real first. But I’m not his. Maybe I’m just familiar to him, change is indeed scary, and it’s so much easier to stay than it is to go.
I finally stood up. I was in the water for almost an hour. Or maybe I wasn’t. Time is slowly fading from my list of important things.
What does the future hold for me? Will I stay in this suffocating city for the rest of my life? Will this anxiety looming over me like a giant’s shadow ever go away? I wish I could shed my skin (and my emotions) like a snake does. Wouldn’t that be nice.
I sit on the edge of the bathtub now. Towel wrapped around me. The world a bit blurry, as I do not have my glasses on. Will the world ever truly be clear enough for me to clearly see and understand? I’ll never know if I don’t get off this bathtub. Get up damn it. Get up. You need to stand up. Please get up.