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Haunting Past, Present and Future
1 month ago · · Stress,
Every day they persecute me and make me their prey, the latent thought of not being worthy of the person I love and that possibly is tiring him, that he will just go away...
All my life all the people I loved have left, I never knew my mother, she is in a psychiatric hospital, my father orphaned me at 11 to start a new life and I always saw for myself since then, working and studying until night to think that maybe if it was someone with studies it could be better, that maybe the thoughts of abandonment would go away, but it was never like that.
I loved a girl from my high school with whom I was friends for more than 4-5 years, life got better, I stopped thinking about my past and went on with my life...but later that friendship turned into blackmail, then into use... And when he didn't need me anymore, he left and tore me apart, but then again, I thought if I met more people, maybe I'd move out and start a life outside, things would get better.
In the present I live very far from where I was born, I took care of myself and I have been the boyfriend of this wonderful woman for 8 years who gave me strength, who supported me, gave me encouragement and is always there for me... but it is in those moments that I don't see her, that she's online and she doesn't answer my messages like before and that we talk less and less that I remember everything I left behind... and it makes me think that everything will come crashing down again like it did before... that maybe she's even only with me because she doesn't know how to get me out of her life for being so kind, maybe she recognizes the failure that I am and I really don't deserve her, all this has crossed my mind and it does nothing but blow my mind and wanting to throw everything back and run away...
But at the same time I really want a life with her, view her having sucess because I love her, I want to get a good job when I finish my graduate degree to give her the life she deserves, we deserve... to just spend the rest of my days by her side and make this anxiety go away and be fine... but even when I think about the future... I'm not sure if things will actually change for me.
My ghosts, my traumas haunt me, haunt me from the past in my present and when I see the future, I can't trust anyone and I'm desperate to know.