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I have been very depressed recently. I wish it was just today, but it has been coming for a week or two. Today as I stood in the shower, water cascading around me, there were tears mixed in with the water. And you, my Immortal Beloved, asked me why. Why am I so depressed? And it has to do with you, my love. It is because I am scared of the future. A future where I can’t be with the woman I love. A future where I will be miserable for the rest of my life. But at the same time, that is not the real reason I am depressed. The real reason I am depressed is that what I hope for most in this world, being with you, is just a hopeless fantasy. Because let’s be honest with ourselves, I have nothing to offer you. You are a goddess on earth. I am a pauper. I am not young, handsome, healthy, or even at this point in my life, got all my teeth. I am old, fat and ugly. And you, my love, tell me I need to quit being so negative. I don’t think I know how to be anything else at this point in my life. And you already know I overthink everything. So that doesn’t help either. I stay in my own head too much. And I play the role of what every body expects me to be. And there are times I feel like a peeping Tom, watching your life from afar. Even though we talk most every day, I still feel like an outsider. And to be honest, I have felt my entire life that I was an outsider. I have never fit in with any group, or clique anywhere. I have always felt alone in a room full of others. I think I am beginning to realize that all I will ever be is an outsider in your life. Because it doesn’t matter how much I love you, and I do love you very much. I have to be an outsider in your life. So in the end, I am depressed because all I can do is admire you from afar. I will never be THE one to you. And I use to think I was strong enough to live this way, but it turns out I was just kidding myself. I’m not even close to being able to take being an outsider in the life of the woman I love most in this world. You, my Immortal Beloved. It has always been YOU.
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