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I'm a young girl, I am going into 7th grade (12-13). Despite that, I still have a pretty messed up life, especially when compared with people who lead perfect lives.
From the beginning, I began to observe how others around me in school did things differently than me and my family. I understood that others didn't have to do the same things that I had to do with my family. I only realized how mistreated I had been when I got older. I have always resorted to telling my story anonymously out of fear of my friends and family finding out. The weight on my heart has become too heavy for me to bear. It is beginning to feel as if it is crushing me, and I am losing myself to this demon. So here is my story.
The first thing I can tell you is that I've always received stellar grades, putting me at the front of the class and putting me into advanced clubs like GT (gifted and talented). At first, I liked being ahead of everyone else because it made me think I was special. Yet the more I learned, the more I felt out of place as if I was being treated harsher because I understood more than my classmates. Despite the fact that it sounds like my ego is inflated, I was constantly belittled by my parents, sister, teachers, and friends. Their behavior made me feel odd and different. In retrospect, I can see how I was able to comprehend and process the pain and abuse I had to endure.
In the years between ages 4 and 9, my sister and I were repeatedly raped by a family member who lived with us at the time. Having this experience profoundly affected my life and has caused me psychological problems today. Neither I nor my sister were able to confess this to our parents for fear of damaging the relationship between them and a family member.
There is one more obstacle I have to overcome before I can finally be free, and that is my parents. I have had to deal with my parents' emotional drain for most of my life. Dad has a very strong opinion about everything and is not afraid to express it freely. He constantly tells me things like how fat I am, and how I need to lose weight. This has caused me to struggle with my body image, and because of this, I have cut myself to feel better when I feel suicidal. When you have a father like him, it is nearly impossible to get better.
The purpose of this post was not to cause you to feel sympathy for me. Instead, it was to remind me of the pain and anger that I keep hidden and invisible to the rest of the world.
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The most important thing to remember is other people go through things too. I’m not trying to invalidate your feelings or experience by no means. But just because it looks like people have perfects lives, they’re all dealing with stuff as well. Remembering that is what helps me feel less alone when I go through difficult things or when I think about how difficult my life has been. Another thing to remember is you can overcome anything. It may seem terrible now but it can always get better. You are still very young so you have more things ahead of you that will be just as difficult but believing you’ll never get through them will cause you to not and will discourage you.
ReplyIm sorry this happened to you
ReplyI personally know someone who is much older than you now, who has an unbelievable career and a beautiful family of her own. Her husband is an amazing caring man, and they live a life most would be jealous of. You would never believe she had a childhood very similar to yours.
I hope its a little more comforting for you to know that you can come of this and make your life what you want it to be and more.
Usually the people who are tested with the hardest challenges are the strongest people on earth. There is great strength in you, and I will be praying that you find happiness as you progress.
I wish you well!
ReplyMy thought is that maybe your dad doesn’t realize how he is hurting you. In his mind he thinks he’s helping. Also, people tend to project their feelings about themselves onto others around them. Something about that topic is triggering to him and has more to do with himself than it does with you.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse I hear you loud and clear. Know this. You did not deserve it and did not cause it to happen. The onus and fault is on the one who decided to do that to you. It is not in any way your fault.
Take time each day to focus on reasons why you love yourself. Look in the mirror each morning and tell yourself 5 things you are grateful for and tell yourself you are beautiful, funny, have gorgeous eyes, or pretty smile. Keep telling yourself that until you believe it. Then tell yourself some more. Don’t let how other people treat you define who you are. You are so much more than they or even you, give yourself credit for. Stay strong beautiful.
XO
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