My Unsent Letter (Lost hope and beyond repaired for a poison heart)

To (person or people who remain anonymous.) "Pixie" I am really sorry for being cold, emotionless, and defensive after the unfortunely date night. But, that night is where the dark side is not supposed shown to people who are close to me or shown in public. Pixie why can not accept the fact that I've changed. Even though we're known each other for years. Doesn't I mean I stay as the same person. The reasons I've changed in personality are coming from a toxic family environment, joining the military, and women within my own ethnicity manipulating my mind and heart in a relationship. I am not that friendly little boy with wholesome emotions. I am a lost soul in a dark void trying to survive in this unhealthy reality in the world. However, that night I knew you want to be spent the night with me, get to know each other, and try to change my mind about my dating preference. Pixie with all due respect I did like you before we went separated way. Pixie we might have a chance to be together and possibly to get married. I've seen that you mature, and made some good decisions in life and your career throughout your lifetime. However Pixie, you decided to come to me at a bad time for love or be in a relationship. I am beyond damaged in my heart and mind. The things I've seen and endured from War and possibly other gruesome events in other places during my travels. Pixie you were my last hope for love and being in a relationship with women within my own ethnicity. However, some stereotypes can not be changed or removed. Also, I have a higher chance to "cheated on" by Women within my own ethnicity. Seeing women within my own ethnicity treating other ethnic men like kings, and showing care and compassion. When I get treated like a dog or given harsh treatment. This is where I decided to give up and look into different ethnic women. I tried really hard to find women within my own ethnicity who were not toxic and show true love. But, I have no luck finding a similar personality or gaining my love interest. In addition, women from different ethnicity save my life from being suicidal and changed me during the process of being a better person. Pixie you're really close to changing my mind and giving women within my own ethnicity a chance. But, since we each other during our childhood years there a little hope for you and me. However, it was a mistake and my own decision-making. Discovering about your past and finding out that one of your exes is a criminal and jerk. That criminal ex should never get involved with me especially if try to threaten and claim that you never broke up with him. He almost lost his life. To be honest, the first time I encounter him, he mugged me, I ran away and lost some money because it was not worth fighting back in the lone dark alley. But, when I encountered him for the second time and he try again mugged for the second time. Just because he's over 6ft doesn't mean he can take me down. That night was a mistake for the criminal ex and probably the last person to mug me. I was seeing red and warrior defensive kick in. All the hate, PTSD, and anger pen up inside of me, heartbreak experience, and combat experience let it all out that night. If wasn't from you pixie to stop me from causing more damage to your criminal ex, I don't know when am I going to stop, or might end up in jail. After that incident, I cried and suffer anxiety and depression for six months. That night suppose to get to know each other and give love a second chance. But that all changed. When the little boy supposes to reenlighted lost love became a dangerous weapon filled with negative energy. Pixie you are the last and final hope to date women of my own ethnicity. I had high hope and was be happy again. But now, I must harden and close my poison again. Pixie you will find someone who truly loves you for who you are. Please don't back come to me in love. Even if I am calm and at peace. Your present made me go back to being a weapon again and I've lost hope to go back with women within my own ethichinty. I am sorry we are not meant to be together.