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My ex and I dated for 5 years. He was my first love, I genuinely hadn't imagined life without him. I thought I was going to marry him.
When we were both leaving for college in the United States, he abruptly broke up with me. We hadn't talked about breaking up, I had assumed we would still be dating. It was painful, especially due to the way he broke up with me. I woke up one day with my friend sending me screenshots of him on a dating app. It broke my heart. Turns out, he had opened his profile the night before, while we were watching a movie together(online). I was cut up over it.
He, later on, explained, a year later, that he hadn't been confident about whether or not he could have done long distance. He said he still did love me, but he didn't want to date anyone. We still talk sometimes, but he hardly responds.
This summer we were both back home from college for the holidays. We had met once, that too after he had canceled on me once. Now, before we are leaving, we were supposed to meet today.
He canceled today as well, but I can't be mad at the reason, since he is going to visit his uncle in the hospital. Originally, the plan was that he was going to go see his uncle after we met up. He sent me a text at the last moment saying that he wasn't going to show, he was going to meet his uncle earlier. I can't be mad about that, and I'm not mad about that. But, regardless, I can't help feeling really broken.
Subconsciously, I knew he was going to cancel. I knew he would flake. He always does. He breaks my heart every time.
He says he loves me and texts me drunk saying he misses me. He did that last semester, 3 months ago. But when he's back at home and meets his friends (who don't like me) he completely changes. He's a different person.
I know he's changed. But I know that I love him, and I can't ever unlove him. He hurts me. A lot. But I would still cross the ends of this earth for him.
I feel so broken.
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5 years is a long time I know, but no man should leave you feeling broken. Please find someone who will not flake and will be there for you when you need him. Because by how upset you are, you've shown what you need from a person in a relationship. You need a man there who you can depend on and trust and talk to. And he doesn't sound like that person.
ReplyYou have much to say. Seems a healthy step to healing was skipped (i.e., anger for the absence of communication, a cowards way out)? It is OK to focus on that feeling until it fades naturally. Maybe you hopped to forgiveness, and perhaps rekindling? Someone that would bail on you at the very last moment, at such an important moment in time, is disappointing. To fill the absence, make one (or more!) new friend (preferably not online), and in kindness, teach them about something you love (w/o mentioning him), or ask them to teach you something novel. If this sounds "meh," think about activities you love to do (non-romantic), and fill up your free time w/these activities. What's important is making new memories that inspire you to move forward. By next year-this time, I hope you realize you dodged a bullet. You have important work to do, and many more experiences to cherish in front of you. Melting Away, Yours Always-Ends of the Earth.
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