What are you looking for?
I had a spiritual awakening, and am completely lost
5 months ago · · Muslim,
I recently made a duaa, wrapped in a blanket as I don't have much modest clothing. I've felt a pull to Islam for a while now, and I finally gave in to the desire to pray. At the end of the day, all I really long to know is if Islam is worth it. If Allah and the Quran are real. If praying, fasting, and reading scripture isn't a waste of my time. My mom's family is Jewish. My mom generally supports me, but I'm worried if becoming Muslim will hurt our relationship, even though my mom is very reform and hasn't gone to a synagogue in years. My mom isn't against Muslims, in fact I think she has gotten better at understanding and supporting them after leaving Christianity. Still due to her Jewish identity, as weak as it is, there is still stigma between her and Islam. Crossing that line would be hard on me. My dad's family is Christian. Honestly, if I become Muslim I'll probably just cut them off, as I am already not close with them due to my queer identity.
Another issue is that I don't know what I want. What my soul wants. I can't tell whether I want Islam truly in my heart, or if I'm just interested for some reason. Maybe Allah is guiding me. Or maybe I am attracted to the religion because of it's customs, beliefs, or it's similarities to Judaism. For example, two months ago I prayed the sinner's prayer and seriously felt a pull to Christianity, but completely moved on from it the next day. Maybe praying is a stress releasing outlet for me. I went through a Catholic phase, and prayed the rosary every day for three days straight. Maybe it's psychological, not spiritual.
I just want advice from Muslims, or really anyone I guess. What should I do? I don't think it's worth it to join a religion if it will weaken my relationship with my mother and distance me from my Jewish identity, if Islam turns out to be fake. I want to follow my soul, but I sadly don't know where it is leading me. I need spiritual guidance.