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I really hate that I'm like this. This anxiety or depression or whatever you wanna call it just always seems to trigger and resurface and it's unpredictable. It makes me feel weak and unmotivated. To this day I still wonder if maybe I just have a victim complex or something. I'm so deprived of connection that when I get it whoever's giving it to me becomes the center of my world for a bit. It's bad. Last week I was a counselor for this summer camp that my community does. There was this girl there that I caught staring at me like once or twice, and then after it was over she followed me on Instagram. I thought she was nice and pretty and she wrote this really cool poem thing for our camp open mic night that I thought was awesome. So I decided to do something I've never done and slide into her DM's, which I did by telling her that I thought her poem was fire (and I wasn't lying either). We ended up talking back and forth over like 2-3 hours and I enjoyed the conversations we were having. I've been messaging her back and forth for the past 3 days now but I swear its like some weird drug that I take when I talk to her. Not in a bad way, but sometimes it just feels like I'm waiting for her next message. As if thats the only source of happiness/connection right now. And I really hate that I'm like that but I don't know what to do about it. School keeps me busy (I have spring/summer classes) to the point where I don't have time to do anything else, but even there I'm not doing as ideally as I wanted to. I'm studying right now but in the back of my mind I just want her to text me back so we can talk again. Lately it just has been feeling like I don't have any genuine friends that like me for who I am, and the very few that maybe do I don't even have time to hang with and to be honest I (and I really hate that I'm saying this and it would kill them if they knew I did) don't even know if I really like them that much. And so this girl (who really I JUST met over text) has become like a drug for me, and it's pathetic because I don't even know if she likes me or not. This isn't me blaming her for anything either, this has NOTHING to do with her and everything to do with problems and tendencies I unfortunately have. The one pat on the back I'll give myself is that I'm at least able to admit I have these problems. What makes me scared is that I don't see a path towards a solution.
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I don't see that there is anything wrong with waiting for a text from someone who you are just getting to know. We are social creatures and you are being social.
ReplyIt's not inherently wrong, I just think the degree of my obsession is not good
Replyi get how you feel. im doing the same thing. his texts mean too much to me. i wish i could help you but i can’t even help myself, yk? i’m desperate to be connected to people, but i’m introverted, so while i love hanging out with them i can’t do it for long- and then i’m alone again. all i can say is that im standing with you and i’m feeling the same thing. you’re doing your best.
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