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TW bratty life story but I've made some dire mistakes and I need honesty.
5 months ago · 6 · Need Advice, +1
148
I've been very privileged throughout my whole life but I've not been grateful. My parents have always kept a very close eye on my upbringing, especially on my education and mental wellbeing. I've been allowed many opportunities, like piano, and tuition since I started preschool, despite some financial tightness - but my parents have never held back on my education so they've never complained. My extended family and my family's social circle are highly educated, well-esteemed and positive. Most impactful of all, my parents have always patiently explained to me their wisdom of the real adult world, to develop good character traits in me like diligence and respect not by rigorous discipline but through understanding.
None of the following is to brag, btw; they're all obvious outcomes from my careful upbringing. Everything mentioned above clearly led me to becoming a golden child. It was easy for me to be the "top" student throughout my whole life because I had a very solid educational foundation and I was a chill and compliant kid. My teachers and peers believed in me more than they should've: they thought I was really organised and really trusted in my capabilities. They excused me when they wouldn't excuse others. Basically people had a better impression of me than I actually was, or at least I think they did, and I don't think that's imposter syndrome at all because I think I really ought to have been better given my upbringing.
The truth is, I think I've coasted for almost the whole of my life, and it's really glaringly obvious now. I was better as a child. In my later teens I rolled with the momentum of a good impression and I still got the best marks with what felt like no effort to me (but it was probably good habits built by my parents) but I neglected to tackle the feeling of guilt for not committing to my goals. I basically had no initiative. I actually did have a lot of time but I squandered it because I was doing decently compared to others, but really I should've compared to my own standards and used up my opportunities.
Come the last two years of high school and my God, eventually I plummeted in performance and reputation to mortifying lows, but my cowardly, stubborn attitude held me back from taking any chances for redemption, which my parents and teachers offered me time, and time, and time again. I missed out on offers for Medicine because I failed 3 interviews because I didn't bother to prepare well, despite passing the entrance exam well (what was the point). I dropped my extra subject and I didn't do an extra research project so I was coasting literally on the bare minimum. Now my final grades are enough to move forward with my life, but compared to the peers who used to ask me for what my "secret for success" was, I have one grade lower. Tbf the grades I got were very much God-given because I had to learn everything within the exam month because I wasn't emotionally regulated enough to revise earlier. I said and did a lot of dumb things so I absolutely wrecked my reputation at school too. Then I had the audacity to be depressed and anxious and not even ashamed of everything I did for about a year. My parents have been ashamed and disappointed for more than 2 years now, and they try to avoid conversations about academics with others because I've achieved a grade less than perfect while everyone else has achieved straight A*s, but it's completely understandable; they've brought me up unfathomably well and I didn't even operate at the bare minimum in the most important years of my life. I've also been forced to take a gap year since I failed my interviews for Medicine, so I'm now going to be a year later than my peers. I try to avoid my friends now and my parents avoid social situations too.
Basically, my life is a mess because of me and since I've been neglecting my life for a while, I don't even know where to begin to tidy things up. I've broken my parents' trust and hope, let alone everyone else. I keep doing things I regret, like basically shouting at my parents out of frustration for myself but then I immediately apologise because well wth am I shouting at them for? I'm kind of lost because now I have to manage myself but a more disorganised version of me than I've ever been.
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If you were doing school online when the schools were closed because of covid it is understandable that you would have had depression and anxiety as many kids did as well as other mental ailments. But it looks like you coasted along until you reached your peak and then slid down to where you are now. I wonder if you had medical help for your depression and anxiety but somehow got over them by yourself and kept sliding down. You must realize that you aren't responsible for your parent's social life. This looks like they expected a top performance from you so that they could brag about how well you were doing to others. Another reason that you slid down could be that you knew you were being bragged about so in the back of your mind you decided to show your parents you won't be used any more. This would be why you shout at your parents.
Maybe medicine isn't for you so don't worry about it. Find something that you are suited for and you like and go ahead with it no matter what it is. This is your life not your parent's. They had their opportunities when they were young. Do your own thing. If they hadn't have used you they would be able to still be social. As for your peers there are plenty more people around to make friends with. I wish you all the best for your future.
ReplyThank you for your advice. It's very kind of you. I did do school online for a period of time last year, when I really neglected my learning (which was uncharacteristic of me because I've always been motivated to learn), which contributed to poorer performance later, stressed me out, and the cycle perpetuated. I think I was so fixated on my "reputation." I guess I'll never find out if I actually had any mental ailments but I know for sure I was suffering stress symptoms and became worse at managing stress over time, which sucks because I was pretty self-controlled when I was younger. Emotionally I'm in a better place though, but I don't know if that's just because I've become accustomed to failure. I did consider a professional diagnosis multiple times but I brushed it off because I was quick to recover, and it felt silly that I would have a mental ailment of all people since I didn't have a reason, like a dysfunctional family. I think you're right about sliding down: I didn't face my mistakes head on and just let myself go instead of catching myself at the first mistake. I feel bad that I don't even give my parents a reason to brag though, since they've invested so much into me, likely more than the people around me. I never did it for their bragging rights in the past; I just did it because I took my life seriously, but it seems the older I got the less mature I became, hence I'm really lost on what to do because it feels like I'm ageing in reverse. Thank you for pointing out the social life aspect though. I understand now. Frankly, I'm still having major doubts about studying Medicine: it's just the idea of it that sounded good, even in my first application, but I'm trapped in a sunken cost fallacy since I've already invested a lot into it. I answered the interviews really poorly because I had no interest in my first application. I have my entrance exam in 2 months so I don't have time to waste if I truly want to study it and it's my final chance, but I'm getting work experience so hopefully I can ascertain if I like it or not. I really don't know what else I would be interested in that would make a living though. Anyway, thank you very much for your response.
ReplyWe can be friends :)
ReplyThank you, that's very kind of you. :) I'm really sorry, I must sound like a lazy brat up there. I just need to pull myself together.
ReplyDon't worry, I think you've had your teaching moment. Stand up, shake off the dust, then walk back into life with a different perspective. You can do this, you just might have to go about it differently.
ReplyThank you for your reply. :)
Reply