Can’t move out (vent)

Usually I give advice on here, but today…I’m struggling. I’m really fucking struggling.

I’ve basically figured out that I can’t ever hope to move out from my parents house.

They can incredibly toxic to be around - both for each other and for me. One is emotionally abusive, and one is passive-aggressive and uses weaponised incompetence. They both massively lack emotional maturity, and never genuinely apologise. I’ve only found out in adulthood that this isn’t normal, that our family is unusually loveless. Maybe that’s the wrong word, but it’s not completely inaccurate.

What I’m saying is, living together is not good for anyones mental health, but I feel like there’s no escaping it.

I have a part time job, and have been trying to get a second one for four months. None of the potential employers responded to me, even when I did that old-fashioned thing of showing up in person. My bank account is in negatives. I’m spending more keeping my car running than I’m earning. My parents are financially well-off. My dad made more each month than the average person makes in a year. There’s a huge difference in how we perceive…pretty much everything.

Here’s the complicated thing (like it wasn’t already) - their house has land with it. I keep some pets here that are very important to me, but I can barely afford them (and definitely couldn’t afford them anywhere else). I know the obvious answer would be to sell/give them away, but…they’re basically the foundation of my mental health. They’re the only thing I’ve got going for me. Keeping them healthy & happy is pretty much all I’m good at, that’s what gives me any kind of confidence. I can’t pursue this kind of thing as a career, regardless of knowledge (already tried that for 6 years, there’s just no way to make ends meet).

When I got back from work today, mum was in one of her mean moods. Sometimes, she just…finds a weakness and keeps going, for no reason.

Recently, one of my pets was unexpectedly put to sleep. I’d been bringing his ashes with me to the meadow every morning as I checked on the other animals - and while it hurt to physically let him go, it felt right knowing that he was back where he belonged, in that meadow I’d carefully seeded with wildflowers, by the trees he used to sleep under. Peaceful.

Well, when I got back from work, mum said she wanted to sell the land. No warning, just straight away. I asked if there was any way of stopping at least a little bit of that meadow from going to developers - bearing in mind that’s less than 2.5% the land. She said there is, but she wouldn’t do it because she’d rather have more money. That was honestly more shocking than it should’ve been to me, because she’d always pretended to be this really at-one-with-nature eco-friendly kinda person - but I guess that was just an aesthetic. I didn’t say that, because she would’ve gone apeshit, but it was a disappointing revelation. I mean, what would you think if someone chose to dig up a gravesite you’d been maintaining for years?

Anyway, seeing that I was upset, she decided to keep going. Because she always does. Shaming me for still living here. When I’ve brought up the idea of moving out in the past, she reacted like I was confessing to a murder. But now, when I have no choice and would much rather not be here, it’s another story.

She acts like I’m choosing to be poor - as if, if I just decided to be employed, I would be.

I don’t know if she thinks I’m stupid on purpose, or just stupid in general. Either, both, whatever suits her more at the time.

I think I genuinely have at least one learning difficulty. Dyscalculia, for a start. That’s been obvious since I was a kid, but no one accepted it - they just kept making me try and fail at things I couldn’t understand, over and over.

There’s also that weird space, in between autism and ADHD, which I seem to occupy.

I have several mental illnesses, but have so far managed to not have them officially diagnosed/marked on medical records (except anxiety, they had to write something so I could get meds). OCD, bipolar, potential PTSD/CPTSD…I don’t want my future choices to be impacted by written diagnoses - but that’s a separate thing. I couldn’t get a full education because of the mental illnesses, and that’s something I’m really ashamed of. When anyone asks, I find some other reason. But the truth is, I’m just incapable of doing well in an academic environment with other people.

Also, this is a big one - I have huge memory issues, probably after the 2+ concussions. I say probably, because I don’t remember if it was this bad before.

All that shit isn’t even visible to employers, but I still can’t get hired.

I don’t have any friends. There are several days when I don’t have any positive experiences with human beings. That’s not being dramatic, it’s just fact.

There’s no hope of meeting a partner to move out with either, because I’m fucking asexual.

I just…I feel like there’s no way out. And that’s a bad place to be, I know from experience.