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i can't feel proud of my accomplishments anymore
3 months ago · · parents, · Explicit
And I'm 99.9% sure the reason is my parents. I don't really remember the last time I've ever felt like they were proud of something I did. Ironically, I vividly remember a time where they were SUPPOSED to be proud but weren't. When I graduated middle school, I remember when the graduation was over and everyone was walking around hanging out in the gym and so I was about to chill somewhere else in the school with my friends and I happen to run into my parents. They did not look very happy. They said they wanted to take a picture but I told them I was gonna go somewhere with my friends and that we could take on in a bit and my dad just gave me this look that I can only describe as angry or disappointed. And that was only the beginning. When we got home, the first thing that my parents told me wasn't "congrats" or "i'm proud of you", no. The first thing they said was "why didn't you get into national junior honors society". Looking back at this now is pretty funny because I know for a fact literally nobody gives a fuck about that (especially in middle school) and even the regular high school NHS doesn't matter. I remember them telling me that they were "so disappointed" when they called up the NJHS award recipients to go on stage and I didn't go up. And I also remember crying that day because it was supposed to be a happy day but they managed to ruin it. I honestly think that was the start of a lot of problems for me. Even their reaction to me graduating high school and getting into the college I wanted to go to felt muted from them. That was definitely not as bad as middle school but it really just felt like I got a pat on the back like "yeah this was expected". And that is around when I started to notice that I couldn't even congratulate myself anymore either. I remember opening the email that said I got accepted and I felt like a twinge of happiness and then it was done. Like i subconsciously gave myself the "this was expected" reaction that I was so used to getting. It's like they only react emotionally when I don't go as they planned, which I've had more than enough experience with (like getting a grade that isn't as good as they'd like, or not doing something they wanted me to do). Notice how it's always "they" and their standards. I've been saying "they" but really if I'm being honest it's mostly my dad. Pretty much only my dad. My mom I think understands me a lot more now. But yeah I think this is the one of the causes of my not being able to feel good about myself. I've never really been celebrated for my achievements. I think funnily enough even at my grad party my dad gave me a speech, and at the end he said something along the lines of "just remember you're still not out of the house yet". Like he still sees me as his little pet student that he can yell at when he doesn't do as good as he wants.