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My dad always had anger issues. Towards all of us, but it always seemed worse to me. I remember the moment my panic attacks started and it was because of him. One night we got into an argument, after he started drinking and mom was able to escape away to her shiny new job in California, and to be able to escape, I went outside and sat on my porch. He was angry and kept telling me to go do my homework. I remember I didn’t have any and kept telling him that but he wouldn’t listen. I don’t remember if emily and Alex were there, but if they were I know they were hiding in their rooms like I wanted to be. He got so angry that he grabbed me by my hair and dragged me up the stairs and threw me into my room. That was when I had my first panic attack. I remember I thought I was dying and I had no idea what was happening. No one would help because they didn’t want to anger him, and I’m sure he reveled in the fact he upset me so much. The panic attack lasted hours. Then he took the door knob off my door so I wasn’t able to lock it.
What he didn’t understand was that I didn’t lock it to annoy him, I locked it because I was scared of him. Scared of his anger and scared of the way he looked at me. It’s like he was simultaneously attracted to me and repulsed by me at every moment. He stared at my breasts from the time that I got them in fifth grade, but started telling me I was too fat at the same time. He would get angry when I didn’t wear a bra or my shorts were too short around the house because he wouldn’t be able to stop looking, but would tell me how much I needed to lose weight in front of anyone, including my cousins and friends, especially when he was drunk. Everytime I would shower, he would find a way to need to walk past the shower and stare at my bra and panties on the floor for an uncomfortable amount of time, but he would always love the chance to tell me I was going to get diabetes and die at a young age. That’s what he always said was the reason he criticized me. Because he was worried I would end up like his dad who died from diabetes. But I knew that wasn’t true because he criticized my body, not my health. He wanted me to have the perfect body, but then got angry when he looked at it. I started starving myself and lost a significant amount of weight and when he noticed, he told me it was good for me to stop eating so much and that he was happy I was losing weight. I hadn’t eaten dinner with him in a week. But he didn’t care, mom was on her monthly escape to California. Fuck California. And fuck her for knowing what was happening and making her own escape without us.
When I was in highschool, my parents almost got a divorce. (They should’ve.) but instead, they decided to use me as their therapist to work through their problems. Their Catholic lawyer convinced them to try to stay together and watch these marriage lessons on tape. But I think what really kept them together was oversharing their hatred of each other to their teenage daughter. One time, my mom told me that when her and my dad got married, his personality completely changed and he got angry and bitter. She was scared and asked her family if she should get a divorce. They said no so she decided to have kids instead. Literally told her teenage daughter that the reason she had kids was to find a way to take the focus of her husbands anger off of her and put his focus on their children. I guess she didn’t think that that focus would also be if anger, or maybe she was just happy it was off of her and on to someone else. They should’ve gotten a divorce.
My dad told me that he didn’t love my mom and that the marriage tape told them to fake their love until it became real. He told me that when I was 16. What a way to skew someone view of love and marriage. But he did it. They became health freaks, faked their love for each other, and fucked like bunnies, loud enough for the whole house to hear. It made me so angry. I was so angry all of the time. His dare they try to fix themselves when all their kids were already fucked up and moving it off the house. How dare they do it then, and not before they had children. The sound of them fucking was disgusting, but it was disgusting in more ways than one.
Now they’re together and it’s fine and they expect us to be fine too now that they are. But it doesn’t work like that. Alex got as far away as he could, emily turned to drugs, and I tried to kill myself. It was way too fucking late for them to fix it now. But I don’t want to be bitter. I want to have parents to love and that love me. But that anger won’t go away and I don’t know if I want it to. I don’t think they deserve to just walk away happy with even one child that loves them.
And now Emily’s in rehab and off drugs and finally having to remember all of this. And then going to therapy and having to relive her version of it. And she’s so angry. And it’s making me angry all over again too. And I want to tell her that it’s okay and the anger will subside, but will it? I convinced myself that I wasn’t angry anymore through years of therapy because it wasn’t worth it, but isn’t it worth it? To make them suffer like we did? Emily once told me that when we were really little and dad would spank us, he would make us take off our clothes before he slapped our butts. He would say he did it because it would hurt worse, but somehow he only wanted me and emily to hurt worse (sus). Alex was always spared more than us because he got lucky enough to be born a gender that he wasn’t attracted to. I think that’s why emily started hating him. But I know he got the anger from him too, I know he was also fucked up. He’s 26 and still has never dated anyone. He doesn’t share his feelings or anything personal in the slightest with any of us. I could see him never being in a romantic relationship with anyone. I think we were all fucked up by them, despite the levels of fucked up he was to us.
I think mom knows too, but she won’t ever admit it. But she feels guilty about it, I can tell by how nice she is to us all the time. And how much she wants to fix us. She wants to fix her mistakes now that she realizes she made them. But it doesn’t work like that. She abandoned us to go to California for every other month, and make plans to move there without him. She even had the decency to suggest I go with her one time. But of course that didn’t work out.
I’m just so tired. And so angry.
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Tell your parents that it would be a good idea for them to go to marriage counselling, and it would be a great idea for your dad to go to anger management which he should have done years ago. I think your mother should have left him straight after they married when his personality changed. If they go to counselling and things are the same your mother should take you and any other young siblings away to another life.
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