ART

I once “dated” this guy that I met online who would always force himself on me. Now, I say “dated” because I wanted to become friends first, and get to know him. He never even told me his real name. I was so naïve and stupid then, that I thought the name on his email was his actual name. Mine always was.

It took months for him to talk me into meeting him for the first time. When I finally agreed to meet, he came to my house. The only thing he said to me was “wow” with a malicious calculating smile before pushing me up against the wall and proceeded to grope, kiss, and assault me. He never asked for my consent. In my experience with men up to that point, trying to stop what he had already started, especially without asking, would end with me being seriously injured. So I froze and dissociated, my mind went elsewhere and blocked it out.

Afterwards, he proceeded to talk to me as if I were his friend. I was confused, shocked, out of breath, and in panic. I could never give a coherent response when he would ask about me or my feelings. I was afraid to give the wrong answer.

For some reason, I really liked this a-hole. I still don’t know why. He wasn’t that good looking and I knew absolutely nothing about him, not even his name. But something kept drawing me to him and I still wanted and tried to be his friend. I guess I kept going back because at some point the sex became fun. Though I never was first to make a move.

I asked him to go places with me and was always told no. I never actually dated him. The only place he ever invited me to was his work late at night when no one would see me, or he would invite himself to my home when he would get off work in the early morning. This went on for a couple years before I’d finally had enough and dated other people.

The last time I saw him, I did not want to have sex with him and I told him no several times. He didn’t listen and proceeded to let someone else join in on the assault. That was why I never saw or spoke to him again.

He now tells people that we were “dating”, like I was his girlfriend or something. Fact is, I still don’t know his name or anything about him. I strictly used him for sex.

He tells people that I was “like a doll during sex.” Fact is he forced himself on me the minute I would see him, I never had a chance to be the instigator or pursue any actions that I wanted. I didn’t even get a chance to speak anything besides “hi”. I was never given the opportunity to even begin to feel somewhat comfortable or safe around him.

He tells people that I could never express my emotions and it was painful to watch when he ask how I felt about him. I will say that is true. But who in there right mind would express their emotions to someone they knew absolutely nothing about?

He tells people that I never asked him for or to do anything. I did ask and was always given a bitter “no” or “I’m out of your league” or some other BS. Why would I continue to expose my true self to someone who treated me that way?

I accept my portion of responsibility, and mine only. Call me a crazy psychopath all you want. It was not all my fault. 🖕🏻

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