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The human brain is so strange. I was thinking this as I decided between a bubblegum and fruit punch lollipop. I chose the fruit punch one because I felt that it suited the "mood" more; the sound of the ocean lapping nearby and tropical, beachy music coming from a car roaring by.
Surely foxes don't think this way, was the first thought that came to my brain after. Are humans the only... things that associate seemingly unrelated things with one another? I know that's not true. The Pavlov dogs would prove otherwise, although one could argue the conditions were just a little different.
Then I wondered, however did I become human? What, or who gave me this life? How am I able to breathe, and live, and be? How am I human? How am I not a bird or a toad or a monkey? How can I think? These scientific monologues don't answer me question, and neither does the religious philosophy. How am I conscious? How am I there? Am I stupid for not being able to comprehend this?
I feel that surely, no one else feels as alive as I do, in these dissociated states. I could kill someone and not feel bad, because if they weren't me, they certainly weren't alive to begin with. The girl splayed out on her beach towel, "tanning," surely she can't feel the sun. Because she's not me. She's not human. I won't feel bad for other people. I won't acknowledge anyone else's "pain," because it simply does not exist.
Yet, when the twilight haze drifts onto the city streets, I'm left all alone with my thoughts. I won't able to cease my trembling until the sun peeps out again. I feel bad. How can I feel bad now after having so recklessly done as I pleased? But it's not entirely that. I'm an honest person with many secrets. "Long tails are bound to be stepped on," goes the Korean proverb. I know the longer I keep this up, the surer it will be that someone exposes me. I must sleep. I must not stop until the morning.
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