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I have my past lows in life but this one hits differently.
This time, I had nobody to talk to about what I truly felt.
You see...it's the start of a new chapter in my life academically. I was to finally make a move on my career path. Ever since I was a kid, I have set my mind to work in the medical field. This was not just a kid's stupid little dream of becoming a doctor cause it seemed cool, this was my passion. The thought of learning the wonders of the human body and caring for it when in need is something that drove me to keep on going, to keep on studying...even though I know that I am mediocre at best.
So I kept on studying to where I was on the honor list, to the point that I started to have caffeine tolerance.
I know medical school is too expensive for my family, but I am not heartless that I would keep on pushing it even if we really can't afford it. So I opted for the second best option for me: nursing. It is what we could afford. Even though being a nurse and a doctor are two very different jobs, as long as they are in the same field and they both take good care of patients in need, it's all good. It might be too shallow of a reason for others, but I genuinely care and I am genuinely passionate about this.
My mother is very supportive of me. In fact, she encourages me, telling me that as long as I work hard and do not slack off, she can and will help me pursue my passions.
My father, on the other hand, had other plans for me. He wanted me to pursue a HUMSS-related career. He wanted me to pursue either of three:
[ Criminology ] He wanted me to become a part of the police force. It was his dream to become a police officer, but he failed because he didn't reach the minimum height requirement. He wanted me to pursue what he couldn't.
[ Law ] Since most of my cousins of his side of the family pursued law and had a successful career, he wanted the same for me.
[ Education ] My cousins (on his side of the family ofc) studied and became teachers in very prestigious schools. One of them became a principal, making her a regular example of why I should take education. He also said that I make a fine and successful English teacher.
It was so frustrating to me, especially when I was applying to universities. He kept asking me if I am 'sure' of my career choice and that if I won't regret it. He would even make LOUD discussions with my mom on what career path should I take. I know deep inside me that he was only doing that to plant seeds of doubt into my mind - to which he succeeded.
All the gaslighting that he did built up until a day before the finalization of my enrollment. I was already enrolled. I was ready, I EVEN STUDIED A WHOLE MONTH'S WORTH OF LESSONS IN ADVANCE. I already got the study load, my block, the list of teachers and everything. But then when he went on mumbling loudly to himself that I will regret on taking such a hard and draining course, I made the hasty decision to withdraw my enrollment.
I was supposed to be taking nursing classes, but here I am in a pre-law course, feeling miserable every time I feel out of place. I don't even have a slightest idea what do I even take as a specialization in law. The people around me seemed so happy and passionate in their studies despite the assignments thrown left and right.
I feel so out of place when they talk about why they have taken the course and such. They have given excellent points that made me feel insecure to why I am there. If I could've been more firm in what I wanted to study, maybe I wouldn't be in this situation...
He was very satisfied though...he even excitedly suggested law specializations for me, which made me feel more like shit. He would even add remarks that I am smart enough to breeze through this without bawling my eyes out in this course, unlike the one that I chose earlier.
The thing is, I would rather cry because of learning more difficult information than cry because I feel so out of place and the things that I'm learning are not what I really prepared for in my entire life.
If you are wondering about my mother, well, she did try to ask me if I am sure of what I am doing. But since my mind is very clouded from all of the gaslighting, I only nodded in agreement. At that time, I was thinking that maybe my father was right about everything…that I am not fit to be a nurse.
Look at where I am now…
Regrets really do come last.
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You should only do what you want and not let your parent influence you. You should have told him to study in one of those three fields himself since he liked them so much and that you will do your own thing. Study for nursing again if it isn't too late.
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