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Disclaimer: First, I am drunk and feeling open. In order to find my problems and resolve them. Second, the more I am open about my poisoned past, and trauma. The more I become mean(show my jerk side) and be hurt. Third, there are not enough therapists to be affordable and flexible. Fourth, I am sorry that offended or hurt others. Remember this is a place where people expressed their raw emotions. Forgive me for the errors and grammar.
My first confession is I don't hang out or be in a relationship with my own kind (race). Because my own blood family and even my own mother failed to protect me from my stepfather's evil actions. That causes me to hurt others and even hurt my own blood family members. I thought blood family was supposed to be together and be protected. I guessed it was an illusion. How family let this evil man especially of the same kind do this to me, my mother, my mother's family, and even his own family? I try to stay away from him and show emotions that an evil man is hurting me physically and emotionally. Unfortunately, they ignored it and see me as a bratty kid. That first sign that I feel uncomfortable within my own kind.
My second confession is years of being rejected, years of being manipulated by my own kind, and showing disregard for my own kind. This causes negative reinforcement that all women of their own kind are mean and show no interest in dating their own kind. In addition, this causes me to be overlooked, misplaced, and even rejected by the one who could truly love me.
Third confession, women of different kinds had shown me more appreciation and care than my own kind. Even though, they are meaner and show no regard. However, it is better than my own kind. At least they are more truthful and honest. But, there is one other kind that saves my life and others' lives from being a negative person. Because of her close contact, showing her true emotions, and motivating me to be a better person. Because of her, I decided not to go back to my own kind.
Fourth confession, even though years have passed. I decided to back to my own kind for a fresh start and was even given second chance. It was a mistake and a wasted opporturity. In this present time, they are more worst and meaner than in my past relationship. and the previous generations. Maybe social media, setting a high standard in dating and relationships, a mother's toxic influences, or something else, or not being good enough for them. I can not reach their own standards or be good enough for them.
Last confession, I try so hard and be positive for a second chance for women of my own kind. But, I gave up already and even don't bother trying again. If a woman of my own kind like my personality and love me for who I am. I get confused for being nice or being nice for evil malicious intentions or playing with my emotions. This is where show my jerk side and be defensive side not to be hurt again. Now the sad part. I rather died or get a lonely job. Then be a relationship with my own kind. Because they did so much damage to my emotions and physically. I can not undo it or recovered from it. They hurt me so much. I can not forgive them.
To all women for truly loving me. I am really sorry that a heartbroken bear can not be loved due to negative experiences and no women of my own kind never truly me for who I am.
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