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I don't know where to start. I miss L so much I feel like my heart is in a vice, crushing my chest. Unrequited love, a pain so sharp I'd rather be dead. We were and still are friends, she thinks I've moved on, it's been two years now and still I'm a hollow shell. I've tried everything I can think of, dating, long periods of cutting off contact, talking to a therapist, changing my life but still I find myself back here, wishing for oblivion. I decided to follow my childhood passion and go back to Uni to study, but as a mature student, I feel even more isolated, I am homesick for L. I was so deliriously happy living with L nothing comes close. I managed to get things together a bit by quitting my job and enjoying a period of just dancing and walking in the park, but I can't sustain this. The problem is that every time I try to embark on a new sustainable life path I just find myself on hands and knees unable to move, to breath, tears streaming. Maybe I'm just not designed for life, maybe I need someone to live through for it to be bearable. Before I met L I was equally as lost I just didn't feel the loss so keenly as I'd never experienced how happy I could be. I'm so tired of feeling like this. I wish I could just disappear. I wish that I could leave without hurting people. As it is I know my oblivion would only bring pain to others existence, but I still dream of it. L seems to think I feel things too deeply, but I don't think she's ever been in love, otherwise why would there be so many pieces of art depicting the extremes of emotion I am feeling? It is surely not my fault I am in this mire, others experience love this way too right? If so, then what is the way out, how long must I endure this pain? I feel trapped by those who love me for it is them that tether me here, for them I force myself to keep crawling forward. I have to keep admonishing myself for calling L "my love" in my thoughts, she is not mine and never will be. I have to remind myself that the joy I felt is possible again with someone else but then I can't find that joy if I don't let L go. I don't want to lose L as a friend, she needs me as much as I need her, but the pain it is causing me does not want to relinquish its hold. Every time I think I've got a handle on it a memory of L's eyes, golden in the sunlight, or of her hand brushing mine, or any of the other countless occasions she made my soul sing plays in my mind and the pain comes rushing back, intolerable. I must find a way out or I fear I will be here on my knees in a sea of tears until my heart becomes dust and my body an empty husk.
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If she thinks you have moved on, then why don't you tell her that you haven't? Maybe you should have a honest conversation with her and tell her how truly feel. Because maybe there's some sort of misunderstanding and it's not unrequited love.
ReplyI don't understand, what is it that makes you believe that she doesn't love you back?
ReplyI told her 2 years ago, knowing she'd already said she is not the same orientation as me. She confirmed she does not feel the same way as I do. She wants me as a friend, but nothing more.
ReplyPlease 🙏 don't harm yourself.
Think about it... even if L didn't love you romantically (which I cannot speak for cause I'm not her). She still is your friend. And so, do you think that she would want you to hurt yourself? No, I highly doubt that. I would imagine that if she knew you were experiencing suicidal thoughts, she would try her best to help you and get you out of that mindset. Have you told her any of this? If not, that might be something to consider. And as far as the unrequited love, it's hard to say what to do. Are you sure that she only sees you as a friend? Have you told her that you love her romantically? Perhaps you could explore those things first before telling her that your suicidal thoughts are due to unrequited love. Cause you never know, she could be actually loving you like that. But even if she doesn't see you in that way, she still is your friend and I'm sure she wouldn't want you to hurt yourself. She might even step away to cause you less pain.
However it turns out, please don't harm yourself.
ReplyTo author: I just saw your reply to the other comment. Sorry to hear that. Please take care of yourself.
Reply