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Sweet Lexi,
Are you sitting there, all alone, in your room playing with your barbies, imagining a life outside of that small world of yours? Are you wearing those frilly pink dresses that mom buys you, giving you not a clue of the world outside of the ‘girl’ who you are meant to be? Sadly, I am not here to tell you that you won’t feel any less lonely. I am not here to tell you who you are meant to be. I’m sorry to tell you this, but life won’t be any easier as you get older.
You will still feel like the only safe place to cry is alone in a corner in your room, wrapped in your special blanket, or locked in the darkness of a bathroom. You will still lash out in fits of anger, questioning why; why am I so angry? Why am I so upset? Why am I so scared? Why am I so weak? And, I am sorry to say that, in this small world of yours, as it grows, you will only feel smaller.
This world of yours will become overwhelming, suffocating and broken. You will hate it. You will curse it. You will try to escape it. Don’t try to escape it. Because you will love it. You will treasure it. You will need it. This world is your fear; this world is your safety. Let it save you.
Sweet Lexi,
I can see you now. I can see you holding that globe late at night. That musical globe with the cats that you would cry to when you felt so alone. I apologize, but I lose it. The same sister that you treasure so dearly betrays us and takes it away. She takes it away. Still, I remember those many nights. You would feel cold. Your heart would hurt, and you would search for something warm, and there would be the globe on the shelf across the room. The tune, so familiar and warm. It hurt, but it was warm.
And what about those nights you would lose your special blanket? You were so scared, so lost and disoriented. You screamed and cried and called out to it, and when you found it, you would cling to it as though it was a piece of you that had been broken off. And then, in middle school, dad had left your room and you felt a pit in your stomach. You couldn’t find it. You were too scared to look in the trash. You didn’t want them to have betrayed you. I’m sorry. I should have looked in the trash that day.
You were always so scared. So scared of being forgotten. So scared of being abandoned. So scared of being misplaced that you always allowed yourself to be misused. You compromised your heart and let go of your imagination. Sweet Lexi, let me ask you: Are you okay? No one really asked you, did they? They only loved you when you did what was told. They only noticed you if you were obnoxious or perfect. You always smiled, but you hated it, didn’t you? All you wanted was to be seen. Like that day in 3rd grade when you saw that a teacher took care of that girl when she cried. “What’s wrong?” The teacher would ask. ‘Oh, so someone will help this pain if I cry?’ You thought to yourself, so you cried. “What’s wrong?” The teacher then asked.
You didn’t know. You didn’t know how to explain the pain. You remembered what the girl said and made a similar excuse, something relating to your life: “My sister left me!” The teacher didn’t care. You shut down. No one cares. No one will help my pain.
That pain doesn’t go away. I am sorry, but it doesn’t go away. Our parents, they only keep betraying and hurting our trust, and you keep forgiving and forgiving because all you want is to be loved and to love back. You mold yourself into relationships so toxic, and these relationships shape your heart into a fear so beautiful and broken. A distrust so sharp and hardened that you lock yourself into a reclusion and you lock your voice away.
Your dreams of a happy life do not come true. Your dreams do not come true. You do not have a good relationship with your sister, and the people’s hearts you wished to protect did not wish to protect you. You snapped. My sweet child, you snapped. Your emotions bled, your heart broke down, and you snapped, but you never gave up. Even in this darkness, you haven’t given up.
I haven’t given up. I no longer identify as what I must be, but I am finding my identity. I lost all of the people I have loved, but I have found a single person to love who chose to love me in return. Life only became harder as we grew, but it grew bigger, and my vision became broader. I no longer fear the cage that I once was trapped in; the cage they trapped us in, as you had found the key and set us free.
Now, when I look at a man, my stomach drops and I wish to run or scream or lash out. I don’t know why. Would you, Lexi, my dear? My sweet, having gone through so much and hid from so many, would you? Stepping outside of a door, I risk a panic attack- talking to a stranger, I want to cry, but I don’t mind. In this current life, we no longer want to die. Those voices still exist. “You should die.” “You’re worthless.” “Kill yourself.” “Look at all the mistakes you’ve made.” “What a pity, I guess you really can’t do anything right.” But, now I can fight them. Now I can talk back to them. It’s only a little bit, but it’s enough to know that I can keep walking, and I know I will make it to the next day. Don’t worry anymore, you will make it to tomorrow.
Hey, Lexi, do you trust me?
That pain you hate so much; that life you want to run from so much. Give it to me. I still remember. Those nights you cried until morning light, then begrudgingly left for school. Those nights you numbed yourself with needles and ice and imaginary worlds because, otherwise, you couldn’t last another moment in that house, in that room, in that small world of yours. I remember. I still cry. I still cry until morning light when I know no one can hear. I still cry in the darkness of a locked restroom. I still hide in imaginary worlds for fear of the life of this broad world suffocating me. So, give me your pain. Let me feel you again. Give me yourself and I promise that I will heal you.
You’re so afraid. It hurts so much, so give it to me and free yourself of that ruin. It’s my turn, now, to burden myself with this life. I promise I won’t give up the life you worked so hard to never give in to. I promise to hold onto these words of yours repeated on nights so dark:
“Weakness is my strength. It’s okay. No matter what they say, these tears will save me.”
I promise to never forget. To never forget you. To never forget the pain. To never forget the hardship. I promise to heal us. To heal our hearts and release us from this misery, one step at a time. You had to compromise yourself to survive. I won’t compromise myself because I want to live.
My sweet Lexi, I promise to be the you that you needed years ago. I love you, now let yourself take a breath and let go of the sorrow of years ago. It’s my turn now. And, I promise, Lexi, those dreams of yours, one day, I will make them come true.
Yours Truly,
Aaron
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That was beautiful 🤍
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