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2 weeks ago · · Suicidal Thoughts, · Explicit
honestly im so tired. Every day im trying im trying but it's exhausting, i just end up crying at night and wondering if I really am trying. I hate myself so much right now, I feel like I'm using my situation to have an excuse for not doing anything but there's a part in me who wants to do so much but Its just so hard every night I have flashbacks of me in the reeducation center not being able to move, having my legs paralyzed and being so weak and its fucking hurts. I know its the surgeon fault but I can't stop blaming myself for using this situation as an excuse. I can walk now but my legs are still weak , and now I'm afraid of walking outside because I donf know if I'm gonna fall and if I'm gonna be able to stand up again, what if its my last time walking again ? Im so scared.
And my depression doesnt help, it just consume me every single day and I feel so weak and so miserable and pathetic. I dont wanna exist, I dont want to be here anymore, if I hadn't have my brothers and parents I would have end up myself, I just dont want it anymore its tiring. i have enough and I feel so alone. I'm tired, I dont want to be here anymore