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A few years ago I met someone online and for two and half years, I slowly felt disconnected with them. The first few months of chatting, I got to know them, and eventually they asked if I wanted to enter a long distance relation, we have called a few times and seen each other's face. It was a spur of the moment, and I accepted it. Little did I know of myself, but I am not a nice person, I'm not kind and I failed to uphold my own morals. We were in this online relation for two and half years. We broke up multiple times, and many times I have felt relief but they insisted that I should stay with them because they were suicidal and I couldn't bare the responsibility of leaving someone who I once felt a close connection to, to their own device and possibly taking their own life. I was just in my 2nd yr of college, and stress was building up, I couldn't get a job, I kept failing interviews, things were on the down low, I couldn't turn to anyone and eventually I started having dark thoughts, the person who I was in the relation didn't help, I know they tried but they weren't in the best state either, eventually I started self harm but nothing with a blade, just blunt trauma and bruising, I even left a hole in my wall, once by accident, the other time on purpose. Things eventually calmed a bit, and the person decided that they wanted to visit me for the summer, I said no, I had summer school and was busy, but they booked the ticket anyways and flew here. I wasn't happy. They met my family, and I tried my best to translate as we speak another language mainly at home. She didn't take very well to our culture, and the relation was worsening, I was stressed, I lacked sleep, this is due to develop insomnia and the person being insomniac, so they couldn't sleep, so they would spam call me over and over late into the night, sometimes I wouldn't sleep while they were awake. During the visit, I almost lost control myself, as things went on for a few weeks, the relation started to feel normal, things got a bit intimate, and I did touch her, and even now I regret it, she was dissatisfied that I wasn't doing anything naughty with her, alone in my room. I felt really disconnected but at the same time I wanted to make her happy, so I played a bit with her, and I almost inserted but I snap back into reality and realize what I was doing, I threw up and hated myself more and more and more and more to the point when she finally went home, and she called me immediately once she got back, I freaked out at her, I didn't want to listen to her anymore, she became a source of trauma, every time I heard her call my name I hated it, I wanted to throw up and I forcefully broke up with her, I didn't want to talk it out, or calmly do it, I just say that I am a bad person, I didn't care anymore, I just wanted out, I hate myself, I felt I knew myself that I was somewhat a kind hearted person but I couldn't hold myself back until the very last second, I couldn't be mature, I simply yelled at her, saying we are done and such, and I hated myself for 2 yrs, now in my final yrs of college, I still hate myself, I feel pathetic, I told her multiple times, that I was the bad person, make me the bad guy, maybe a form of self pity and hate but I just couldn't do this anymore. I thought of ending myself, but I decided it was a dumb idea, it would do more harm to my family whom I cherish dearly and to those who I can call friends? people who are alike, and I like to sometimes hangout with only on campus. The conclusion of this long story was she spammed called me on different numbers, to have a chance to call me, I answered one last call, and told her that this is the last call, do not call me, forget me or something along those line, I can't remember anymore. It was over, I couldn't bring myself to be her friend or anything, I wanted our entire history erased, all the social apps, the fun edits, and photos, I deleted all of them, I will never touch them again or at least until I can forget this piece of my history that has haunted me for days and days and I felt there was no outlet except gaming with online friends, even then I barely enjoy it, yes I laugh, yes I feel like I am having fun, but once its over, there is nothing, I can't sleep, I can't do much, I've been trying to keep myself occupied, doing a drawing a day challenge, making music, trying vocaloid, or maybe start streaming as an outlet. In the end, I still believe I am not a nice person, I threw some much hatred at someone who was only seeking comfort in a twisted way but it was her way to finding comfort in a place that wasn't friendly to her. I couldn't be her strength, and I let her get to me in ways I never knew that I had in it. I was just as toxic as she was to me, or maybe even worst, I don't know. Only Today on 9th Month on the 21st Day of 22nd year of 2000s, I decided to look for an anonymous posting site where I can send my worries away and hopefully finally get some sleep or something, I feel terrible for what I did to her. Later on, I looked her up again and it seems that she moved on, good for her. But me... I couldn't. This all sounds dramatic but this was very real, possibly a story some one on the internet might post on reddit and think hahah what a weird copypasta or something but even so, I wanted this off my chest. I am a terrible person, throughout my life people say I am nice, I am kind, but actually I'm kind of twisted, messed up, not mentally, socially, I have a hard time connecting in general, when people seek comfort I'm not sure what I can do to help, I just want to ask if they are feeling okay now, not good or great, just okay, on the positive side of life, I guess this was way longer and way more then I thought I would get off my chest, I don't feel sad or anything, I might be psychopathic in terms of how my brain works. I had issues and I understand my issues, I try my best to live in this unforgivable world, I wish to travel the world and see its wonders one day, feel the peaks of mountains, explore the small life in creeks, enjoy what Earth tried to give us before we ruin it. I don't know where this post will end up one day, It could be anywhere, but.. honestly, although I understand I am not a nice person, I wish I can be, I want to be, kind to a fault, and appreciate others for the work they do, give to the less fortunate and so on, but I lack motivation, drive, only wishful thinking in the end. For those who finish this long story of mine, know that in the end, only how you feel matters, as there is only one of you, and same with everyone else, there is only one of them. Life is short, bad decisions reach a fault, and even if this gets taken down or something, know that those who kept reading till now, I from the bottom of my heart, wish you a happy long life and the best fortune for those who wish for greater endeavors. As my own life motto goes, "Keep life simple, Simple can be happiness".
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ReplyAs though you feel like you are the bad person for this whole situation, you can not put all the blame on you. You weren't happy, you tried to end things with her because you weren't happy with your relationship or yourself! And she pushed her way into your life making you feel obligated to do things with her even when you didn't want to be in the same room as her, or have really anything to do with her at all. Sometimes being rude needs to be done for your own happiness but to me it personally sounds like you had no other choice, she pushed you to your limits and made you snap. Life is only going to be as great as you make it be, and as bad as you try to make it. So live each day to the fullest I know it's alot easier said then done but if you wake up everyday and tell yourself it's a fresh start to make that day the best day yet and just have positive vibes it may help. I wish you the best of luck
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