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Nobody needs me...?? Shit
1 year ago · · Depression, · Explicit
I'm totally depressed (I think).
I do therapy since 2 years ago and drink escitalopram 20mg because a genetic problem about serotonin lack (besides the psychological problems I may have that I am working on, and therapy is doing good, but is very tiring).
No, I do not have money for a consult. And they cannot (or want to) do anything more about it.
I am alone and so far, no one needs me. And no, living for myself or loving myself or going out to help people worse than me don't motivate me. It makes me feel worse.
At this point of my life, 39 years old woman, I guess my health problem and bad family experiences made me into "a person you don't wanna have near", although I tried my best to always spread joy and be reciprocal with kindness around me. I am the type of person who don't public personal problems.
I don't have money enough for keep it up with social events, so... that's it there.
I realised my dog will survive without me, so I can't use him as an excuse anymore.
Life just goes on and is not a big deal. One person less: not even notice. We already are too much on the planet, right LOL
So why do I want to stay here in these conditions, while secretaly hating my life more and more while I'm getting noticeably older?
My parents will go on. My sisters will go on. It's life. They have their own life.
God? Well, yes, I knew him back in July 2020, but the old man now is quite. Too quite. (I had an experience that I can say, somehow, something exists). But hey, we all know the work is on our shoulders, right? So... thanks for such a heavy work...???
I wish someone HUMAN tell me that she/he needs me you know. Not in a codependent sick way, but in a human warm hearted natural way, I mean, NORMAL way.
I've passed through so much to get to this point of even be able to explain what's really going on inside me, just to get to this fucked conclusion: why seems like I am not important for anyone (HUMAN, again).
Anyways... once I tried to cut my vains and time stopped for a second and the reality was brighter, like waiting for my decision: I didn't do it.
Believe me, is not an easy choice. There's so much ignorance around it.
The more I am faithful to my really way of feeling and thinking, the more away I'm from a role model of human. I know, humans are not perfect. But is hard to accept that I am not in the top million :[
that I don't wanna work or get tired for working
or get tired anymore in my entirely life, for God's sake ;---;
I'm exhausted 😩
Anyways. This became whining lol
See you folks