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Really going through it...
1 year ago · · Stress,
I guess I'll start by saying I know it's not just me. But I've been feeling really defeated lately. Like, really down and just out of it. Reflecting a lot on my life choices as of recent and I feel like such a failure most of the time. It's like everyday I try my hardest to minimize the pain, the loneliness, and what feels like depression and anxiety to me these days. I can't fathom how I've allowed myself to become this person that I despise so much. Back then I remember when you could ask anyone who knew me about what kind of person I was and they'd probably say something along the lines of, "oh he's such a sweet, caring, kind, loving person, etc. But now it's like I've become this silent, bitter, and isolated person. I mean to be fairly honest, I know I've lost a lot lately like so many others these days. But I have never been the type to put myself out there like that anyway. I would say that I've always been a bit of an introvert for the most part my entire life. Not to say that I wouldn't engage in an occasional friendly conversation or small talk with anyone. I just always had this extreme anxiety around others or strangers. I guess I was always just afraid that I wouldn't be interesting enough or simply become socially awkward in any given spontaneous conversation. So I would often avoid social situations as a teenager into my young adult years. Eventually leading to dropping out of college, well not formally. I just stopped going as I just kept flunking all of my courses. I guess I couldn't focus and get myself to stay on track.
I've always kept a working mentality from my late teenage years into my adult life especially growing up in a big city like New York. I didn't really have much of a choice. I went through a traumatic childhood as a kid. But that's no excuse, like many others, I know that it's all just a part of my story. I am not one here to justify any of my shortcomings or disadvantages. I am well aware of so many countless others that have gone through far worse than I have and have made astounding examples of the endless possibilities that are out there for people like myself. What I am trying to say is that it is not my intension to come on here and complain. I just want to vent and take a aimless shot at allowing myself not to keep bottling in a lot of things that affected me back then and that still affect me to this day. Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read this. I hope my thoughts weren't too much to express and I hope that anyone out there reading these thoughts of mine find some solace in the fact that they're not alone.