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Hi world,
I guess I'll start by saying I know it's not just me. But I've been feeling really defeated lately. Like, really down and just out of it. Reflecting a lot on my life choices as of recent and I feel like such a failure most of the time. It's like everyday I try my hardest to minimize the pain, the loneliness, and what feels like depression and anxiety to me these days. I can't fathom how I've allowed myself to become this person that I despise so much. Back then I remember when you could ask anyone who knew me about what kind of person I was and they'd probably say something along the lines of, "oh he's such a sweet, caring, kind, loving person, etc. But now it's like I've become this silent, bitter, and isolated person. I mean to be fairly honest, I know I've lost a lot lately like so many others these days. But I have never been the type to put myself out there like that anyway. I would say that I've always been a bit of an introvert for the most part my entire life. Not to say that I wouldn't engage in an occasional friendly conversation or small talk with anyone. I just always had this extreme anxiety around others or strangers. I guess I was always just afraid that I wouldn't be interesting enough or simply become socially awkward in any given spontaneous conversation. So I would often avoid social situations as a teenager into my young adult years. Eventually leading to dropping out of college, well not formally. I just stopped going as I just kept flunking all of my courses. I guess I couldn't focus and get myself to stay on track.
I've always kept a working mentality from my late teenage years into my adult life especially growing up in a big city like New York. I didn't really have much of a choice. I went through a traumatic childhood as a kid. But that's no excuse, like many others, I know that it's all just a part of my story. I am not one here to justify any of my shortcomings or disadvantages. I am well aware of so many countless others that have gone through far worse than I have and have made astounding examples of the endless possibilities that are out there for people like myself. What I am trying to say is that it is not my intension to come on here and complain. I just want to vent and take a aimless shot at allowing myself not to keep bottling in a lot of things that affected me back then and that still affect me to this day. Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read this. I hope my thoughts weren't too much to express and I hope that anyone out there reading these thoughts of mine find some solace in the fact that they're not alone.
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You seem grounded and logical. You probably also want your circumstances and feelings to improve.
Toward that end, I suggest you include some positive narratives to think about when time permits. Most of our time awake each day is probably filled preparing to and doing what we must. Too often thinking about a past we regret or a future we fear is going on in the background. Its advisable to give what we are doing our full attention for safety and quality reasons. When time permits, it is normal to look back at or to anticipate things. If we are not careful, the content can be 100% negative. We tend to expect and get what we think about most.
Take care.
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