My Unsent Letter

I still love you.

It's stupid. Sometimes I don't think about you, and sometimes you are all I think about. You told me you didn't like me back. We are friends. I haven't mentioned it since, and you have given me the kindness of absolution. But I get anxious when I don't hear from you. When I text you and you don't text me back. I try to put myself in your shoes. I don't care too much if one of my friends doesn't text back, and in fact sometimes I forget to respond to them too. It's not personal. But it still feels like it is. I have this nagging feeling that... 1) you might be playing with me, 2) you are annoyed with me, 3) you don't give a shit about me, 4) you think I'm pathetic… and so on.

But I know the truth, you just don't think about me. Just as I don't think too much about my other friends. Which makes sense. Because I'm your friend and nothing more. Honestly, I don't want to be anything more. You're emotionally closed off, you are terrible at responding, you let people walk over you no matter how much we tell you to stand up for yourself, you don't put any effort into your relationships. Why should I want to be anything more?

I ask myself that a lot because eventually I give in. I think about you. How I couldn't not look at you when you were around. Your beauty, your intellect, your drive, your passion. Maybe I'm obsessed because you are my foil. What you have, I lack. Maybe all this is just my admiration gone haywire.

I've already had this conversation with myself a million times. I know it's more. I just don't want it to be. I want to stop feeling this way for you. You aren't a good person. But I'm not either. I think I'm done for the night.

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Then right as I end my writing tantrum and nearly send my thoughts away from myself, you respond back. And all my anxiety melts away. I smile like a fool. I drink you up, every word. Your response is like an answer to my prayers. They feel like tiny miracles. I think that's why not having them hurts so much. I missed you. I miss you. I will always miss you. I couldn't stand if you knew, but I wish you did anyways. I hope this goes away. You are one of my best friends. Please let this go away.