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my dad got into bed with me
2 weeks ago · · Need Advice,
for more context my mum has bipolar and one time we got in a bad argument and she immediately called my dad and told me to go stay with him. she dropped my things off later and left. i rarely see my dad, he would stop by for 5 minutes on some of my birthdays and give me a card with a 5 or £10 note and that was it. they split when i was 3, they were never married so that was the end of it. on the rare times he did come round i enjoyed seeing my dad. i’m 18 now and have been thinking these past two years on the things he would say and whether it’s normal or not. when i would get ready to go to my friends he would say things like, “wow you’re looking fine” and look me up and down and lick his lips or tell me how beautiful i am or comment about my body. he’s said these things since i was about 12 and i never thought anything of it, sometimes i’d get a weird feeling but leave it at that. fast forward to me getting dropped at his house after the argument, when my mum had come round to drop off my things she said some very hurtful things so i went to bed early as i was upset.
a couple hours pass and the door opens, it’s dimly lit in the room and without saying anything my dad walks over and gets into bed, questions marks were going round in my head as i lay still, wide awake now. he inched closer and closer and suddenly i felt something touch my lower back. i think he was… you know but maybe it’s just because he was so close but anyways i felt immediately uncomfortable and scooted far enough so that we weren’t touching anymore because i didn’t want him to know i was awake. and then again i felt it, i kept moving away but he kept coming closer. i was at the edge of the bed wide awake, shaking. i was scared and frozen in place. i didn’t sleep that night. i texted my mum in the morning telling her i wanted to go home and she came and picked me up later, (she’s the type who acts like nothing happened the next day.) when my mum arrived she came into the room i was staying in and started helping me pack my things, i quietly told her leaving out the inappropriate part because it made me uncomfortable and she said “he got into bed with you?” and then “okay.” and then carried on helping me pack. later on they were arguing and she called the police on him because he shoved her or something i don’t know, but she also told the police about what i told her and all of a sudden i was having to talk to social services and tell this woman what had happened, i again left out the uncomfortable parts and asked if this was normal and she said no. it all happened very quickly and about a week later i went to stay with my sister. my brother came round because they heard what happened and they questioned me about it, (we have different dads) my sister didn’t really know what to say and said “maybe he was just trying to comfort you?” i would have sleep paralysis often so whenever it happened i’d go sleep in my mums bed otherwise i couldn’t fall asleep. this went on till i was about 13-14 but my siblings kept telling me to grow up so i stopped and tried to deal with it alone. anyways my siblings knew and maybe my dad also knew which is why i think they asked that. they’re also 12+ years older than me so i grew up an only child since they all left home very early.
my other brother really liked my dad and didn’t think much of it when he found out. he even recently asked how he was and wished him the best.
so my main question, i’ve been feeling very guilty because of all of this thinking that maybe i was imagining things and that there wasn’t any disgusting motive, but i keep getting flashbacks of the way he would look at me, it’s those same eyes i’d get from older men. lustful? it makes me sick to say it. i cry alone whenever i think of his whatever that was pressing into me. but then it’s not like he physically touched me with his hand so am i just overreacting? he used to also kiss me on the mouth when i was much younger. i’ve never asked anyone about that so i have no idea if it’s normal. because of my relationship with my mum i feel clueless when it comes to parental relationships. i have no idea about a lot of things and whether they’re normal or not so i feel an extreme mix of feelings and confusion.
this is the last thing that actually happened about 2 weeks ago. because of my guilt i decided to respond to him and as a way of slowly get back in touch i asked if he could send me pictures of when i was a baby since i know he has tons and tons of pictures from then. he sent a lot of pictures from when i was 10 ish and then this is where things get bad. so when i was 12 or so i broke my phone really bad like the screen was hanging off and everything so i asked my mum to get it fixed and she said my dad probably knows someone so she gave it to him. he said it was unfixable so she just bought me a new one and i forgot about that phone. well until now, he started sending some new pictures but they were pictures he’d taken that were on another phone if that makes sense. MY phone, i recognised it immediately and so many thoughts started circling round in my head. “why does he still have my old phone?” “these are definitely pictures i’ve never showed anyone” “does that mean he went through my whole phone, my messages, my socials, my entire album????” “he took pictures of pictures, PRIVATE pictures in my album?????” is that normal, please someone tell me. i took private pictures of myself when i was that age and obviously i could never delete them since i was told my phone was irreparable but it made me wonder if he had seen those and took pictures of those too? i was so upset, i felt like i’d been invaded, i felt so disgusted and violated, i was miserable that day and cried a lot. maybe it wouldn’t have been a big deal but with everything that’s happened i couldn’t help but feel all these horrible feelings. i haven’t spoken to him since.
if someone could please just tell me if i’m in the wrong here. have i potentially ruined my dads image over imaginary feelings? are these things not as big of deal as i think?
thank you so much for taking the time to read this, it’s so long because i know context matters so i tried to make sure i actually gave enough information.
anyways thank you again for reading.