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My life rn in a nutshell
2 months ago · · Vent, · Explicit
I am tired, happy, sad, triggered.
Lately, I've been into digital art and obsessed with Erwin Smith lol. I just love him so much even though he's not real. My feelings for him are real and drawing him with Levi is how I cope. Nonetheless, I sink at the pit of despair.. I know that deep inside I'm in pain as the memories keep coming back to me. I just sometimes want to escape and pretend nothing ever happened.
You know forget this trauma I have.. I'm going to talk about Erwin. Erwin lost his father at a young age and blamed himself for the death of his father. If only he knew how horrible the consequences were. He grew up with pain (just like me I guess that's why I love him. I mean all of the AOT characters never had a normal childhood but anyway it's because Erwin is smart and handsome ahahahaha). Going back to my erwin story telling, he had to sacrifice his comrades and I hate it when people say he is heartless when seriously he could have just not faced the beast titan but he did with his comrades.
Idk what to talk about honestly.. it shifts from my trauma and Erwin's. Talking about both topics keeps me sane. What about my life? Haha I'm woman who makes the worst decisions. I dated a guy just because he seemed nice. In return, I received trauma and now I'm in therapy. I just don't know understand my feelings right now. Because a few months after I left the abusive relationship, my grades drastically improved. I was eligible for honor's but my uni has to yet release the list from 1st to 2nd semester. However, this year's summer, I had panic attacks that sent me to the hospital. The doctor suspected hyperthyroidism because I'm thin plus anxiety and hyperthyroidism have the same symptoms. When I had my 2nd extreme panic attack, I was rushed to the hospital again. This time, I had to take blood test and other med tests. 2 days after, the doctor found nothing! Yes, absolutely nothing! My thyroid, heart, and other organs are fine! So, ofc it's something in my head. A month after, I finally sought therapy with the help of my sister. Guess what? PTSD! Along with depression and anxiety. I don't remember the last time I had good sleep. Sleeping well and sleeping enough hours are different things to me. You can sleep for 8 hours but feel like total shit while sleeping well is when you wake up with a clear mind.
Haha. Funny I jumped from talking about me, briefly about Erwin Smith and then back to my stupid life. Anyway, I really just am lagging down with my academics. I'm the group leader for a subject that involves extensive research and it's been awhile since I've been out for research purposes. I don't know what I'm doing and I am afraid I might disappoint my group. If I go down I know the rest too. This is why I'm angry because I know damn well if I had that big energy to pretend everything is fine, I would have the brightest mind to produce genius ideas but noppeee my shitty mental health won this time. I have to accept I'm not okay or else my body will give up. It gave up during summer which is timely because i had nothing to do. Still, twas shitty because I was exhausted from school and summer was supposed to be fun but ended up into trauma months. It was not helping at all that.. my aunt died. I felt helpless because I know I could've done something by convincing my relatives to take her to the hospital or maybe I'm still that naive young kid who thinks not everthing is expensive. I have guilt because I might have indirectly let my aunt go.. I just wish she knew that till the end I love her. She's the reason why I'm still here.. When I was in grade 7, I had this time too where I was suicidal but it was way worse because I was close to dropping out school. Then one day, she decided to accompany on my way to school. She would give me snacks and candies. She sometimes cooked breakfast. I just really miss her.. I guess it's not helping at all when she could no longer walk and talk.. When she was still alive, she would stay up late night with me so I won't feel lonely. I love her... she woke me up to reality that my ex was indeed abusive. She told me to love myself... You know.. her words always had effect.
As I'm about to end this prompt, I'm crying. Maybe all I need is to release my frustrations and sadness through tears. I've tried to be strong because all my life I've been told I'm weak due to my sensitivity. I just really need to cry and clear my mind..