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I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I'm going to start there.
I grew up in a household where you were taught that all of your problems were a result of laziness or a lack of trying. The latter was ironic because if I got a grade that was mediocre, I failed, and if I said, "I tried." Or "I'm trying." My parents would always say, "There's no such thing. You either fail or you succeed." Long story short, I lived in a strict, authoritarian household.
I'm 22 now, moved out and a few months ago my therapist had said to, "I think you have ASD. We need to get you assessed." Now, in less than two weeks, I am going to get my assessment. Problem is, I'm low-income. The assessor was thankfully able to waive the fee to a price that works for me, but she was the only assessor that was able to, and she is a 5 hour drive away. I don't have a car and live alone. That means 8-11 hours transit one way. I live with 3 cats. I have someone who can check in with them while I'm out, but that's not my biggest problem...
I have panic attacks just stepping ouside my door sometimes. Due to certain circumstances, I have no one who can go with me. The one person who would have gone with me is caught up in her own extenuating circumstances and, while she's trying to get out of them, she has to focus on herself right now. On the off chance she gets that figured out before two weeks, then yay, but it's highly unlikely.
So, I'm on my own. On public transit with strangers. I haven't been sleeping. I haven't been taking my meds (they don't help, anyway... admittedly...). I haven't even been able to go to my normal appointments scheduled this month because of the stress. I don't know what to do. I want to, in fact, need to go to the assessment. Whether or not I get diagnosed, getting this answered will help me figure out why the hell so much of what's been going on with me happens. It'll help me plan and understand and maybe actually figure things out.
But going and coming back... I don't know what to do or how to manage my stress... If anything, I at least wanted to get this out. I don't actually have anyone I can talk to right now, so thank you for letting me vent a bit.
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All problems are not due to laziness/lack of trying- it is due to lack of love.
ReplySame here dude. We're all in this misery even tho none of us wanted to be born in the first place.
Replyjust be sure that you are not alone, love and embrace yourself. we all are worthy of love
Reply