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Nurtured from a broken home believing that logic and reason is absolute truth and emotions were only weakness, a human error. I've watched everyones life story being written around me while mine never began. I've seen their happiness, their love, their pain, their hopes, dreams, passion.. and their despair. I never had a celebrated birthday, christmas, known real love.. a best friend. Through life I've always been accepted by those around me just never blonged. They feel the heartbreak of love, I see a lesson learned moving forward. They feel anger of betrayal, I see a lesson learned of self preservation. The feel of lose, grief.. I see what is gone is gone and what is here is what's now. Life is full of obstacles and you have to see them for what they are, no what if's, only what is. There's no meaning to life, no higher power, no fate nor destiny. We are just simply atoms in the universe clashing together making sparks of moments.. moments you hold within you to give you meaning, a purpose, a reason to wake up and continue playing the game of what we call life. i see my life as a fools game. I continue to play it for boredom because idk what's after death. I could watch the world burn and say with a shoulder shrug.." so this is how it ends".
You might read this and think.. "this guy knows nothing" but trust me I've been through it. I'm 30 years old, lived a life of addiction with pills and substance abuse from age 9 to 18, poor and sleeping where there was shelter, grew up and started working in the oil industry offshore at 18. I'm financially wealthy now but Im still waiting for the end. I've had relationships, I've mended others, I've cared for others for their own sake. I've played my part, stuck to a moral code and it gave me steady ground beneath my feet. The life I've lived was only to guide others to a moment, a moment to show them their own meaning and purpose, inspire hope for their better future.. give to others what I never could give to myself and now after all these years I grow tired. Is it envy? Is it the longing for what I was raised to cast aside to survive? The emotions I've abandoned. Why now do i grasping for these things? Why do I want hope, a meaning, a purpose? Maybe I've seen all that life can offer.. pushing for a way forward because the deepest part of me knows its time.. time to give up. Those moments in life never came for me and as I look ahead they will never come.
A life story never written.
Looking at all of it now it feels as if I've emotional ruined my life since I was born and now that I've helped others obtain what I fail to achieve...I played life against myself. The more I forget my own existence is another day I still draw breath. Tomorrow will be the same as the last 30 years of my life, do I really want another year of this? There's nothing ahead but loneliness and emptiness. It's too late for me to start a life worth living for I never truly felt alive.. I only just lived.. a atom in the universe clashing towards others with out that spark of a moment..
Always and forever on the outside looking in.
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