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Loss is a knot in my throat, hard, throbbing, painful. It grows and chokes me, expands through my chest, my arms, it keeps me grounded too. I feel it in my head, filling it entirely, inside out, numbing my skin and pulsating inside my skull. But I’m not afraid, overwhelmed? Absolutely, it feels so big, like it’s crushing me from the outside but mostly inside out. And yet the most unbearable part is that point, the knot, uncomfortable, impossible to ignore, I breathe and it’s there, I try to swallow and it’s there, unmoving, demanding attention, urging me to speak and yet silencing my words at the same time. It’s hard to talk when you are out of air.
At first glance, the knot presents as a black void, always changing, somewhat uncorporeal, like the obscurus from fantastic beasts and where to find them (now that I realize, also a very accurate comparison) . I feel curious about its dynamic essence, upon closer inspection, the form starts to mutate and turns red, orange, yellow, with hues that resemble a galaxy, not only the colour, but the lightness and the consistency.
How can something so beautiful and harmless can impersonate something so intimidating and paralyzing, or rather, how can something so intimidating take the form of one of the most breathtaking scenes in the universe, at least, in my mind. Don’t get me wrong, one can be overwhelmed by awe inspiring situations and scenery, but the paralyzing fear, the uncertainty that comes with loss is undescriptable.
And yet, my loss is a galaxy, intangible, I can submerge in it, breathe it in, but still feels surreal. Maybe that’s why I chose that form, we all know it’s there, but it’s something unexplored, distant and yet so present, so embedded into our lives, all encompassing.
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