What are you looking for?
Socializing is Hard
2 months ago · · Stress, · Explicit
I’ve been looking for a place to write out my thoughts, and stumbled upon this site. I’ve always used writing as a form of self expression, but after going into a creative field for moneys it’s been harder to use my passions to vent. It’s been harder to do anything, really.
I’ve recently learned there’s a high chance I’m bipolar. I’ve never even thought of bipolar in relation to myself, or at all really. I have an appointment at the end of October to find out. On one hand, I feel relieved at the thought of having it. Everything in my life would make so much sense. On the other hand, then I would be bipolar. I guess I’m struggling with or without knowing.
I feel like bipolar has such a negative connotation to it; like you’re crazy if you have it. I realized that nothing about myself will change with a fancy label on my issues. That made me feel a little bit better about it.
I have a hard time not seeking outside validation due to harassment I dealt with while growing up. Recently I’ve been really pushing myself to meet and talk to new people. After every conversation I’m left wondering if I left an okay impression, or if they think I’m some kind of fool.
Sometimes I just want to curl into a ball and never deal with any of it ever again.
I’m at a transitionary period in my life, yet I’m still afraid to lose everything. I suppose that’s not a strange fear to have.
A relationship I thought I would have for years has fizzled out, and not because of my own doing or wants.
It’s so hard to wrap my head around people just one day deciding they no longer like you, that they no longer wish to have anything to do with you.
Of course, they aren’t exactly doing that. What they’re doing is hamming it up every time I see them, telling all of our mutual friends & each other’s family how much they miss me and that they can’t think of doing anything without me.
But every time I try to connect with them they blow me off. Every single fucking time.
It’s not like I’m hounding them either.
I’ve had to learn that not everyone you meet is your friend, and that not everyone means what they say.
I suppose that shows my privilege in its own way.
I’ve been teaching myself how to think before speaking, and say what you mean through veiled words.
Everything should be up for interpretation apparently.
God, don’t get me started on all the business lingo. That’s even harder than navigating a normal conversation…
I guess where I’m at with it now is that I have become aware of a majority of my own short comings and self inferiority complexes. Now it is time for me to work on improving myself.
But it’s hard, it’s so hard. I’m so tired, but I’m going to keep trying.