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My Timed Entry
11 months ago · · I need help, · Explicit
I want to cry i feel like i need a whole new life i messd up a lot and everything just makes me want to cry, I try to talk to my parents about it but they just get mad or laugh at me. I've been asking them to get my a therapyst but they just wont get me one. Mother always gets mad at me because of everything, from the was I dress, to the way I talk and even because how I walk, I came out to her and she told me she wanted me to give her time so she could unserstand me better, I understood and gave her literally a year, what has she done all year? make fun of my exes and friends that are gay, talk shit about gay people she sees in the street every day and when we talk about who i like and stuff im always "straigth" for her but when whe talk about the way I act or the stuff I do I suddenly turn gay for her like she things I act that way because of how my sexuality, I also don't really feel like a girl or boy, some times I feel like wearing cute skirst and fem clothes but then I feel like wearing manly ones, she wont understand this ofcourse, When I first came out as a Bisexual to her (i came out two times because she wont belive me and say im confused, I've been aware of my sexuality since 5th grade, I am now in highschool.) She kept thinking I qas actually lesbian and a transgender one too, when i literally just liked girls too. She always treats me like shit and we always figth every day, We always figth atleast one day every week, she also has a really bad relationship with my ffather and often tells me shes not happy with him, she always vents to me about him and I try to help her buty insted she gets mad at me, she sees him in me, somethimes she calls me his name when she gets mad and ALWAYSSS tells me "your just like your father." She also says I look like him and like the same things as him, I also feel like ive been throwing my anger to my little brother, its like a cup thats filling in with water and then my brother comes and annoys me or gets me in trouble and the water starts to fall, My brother always hits me and I hit back, mother got angry at me becasuse of it. She told me to tell her insted. But when i do she gets mad at both of us, she tells my brother not to hit me for no reason but then tells me my voice is very annoying. I dont feel like myself and i always try to fit in to what she likes but she still gets mad. I honestly feel like crying, I cry every nigth about it, they also hit me somethimes Its literally child abuse but no, for them is just making sure their child grows up correctly, literally yesterday my brother kept making me annoyed so i told my father he came and hit us both with a belt.. I was literally on my bed and he was the one who kept making me upset, I tell them thats literally not allowed in the U.S but she tells me that in the u.s or china shes gonna keep doing it, I mean id understand if i did something very bad but I literally just call their names so they come and help me with my brother, she just messed up my mental health, My dad is the only person who kinda understands me since my mom gets mad at him too ( a lot, he says something or like a simple commentt and then my mom suddently says shit about him) I have mixed feelinsg about him like hes funny and alll but hes also and alcholholic my childhood memories are him getting ddrunk, mom cryinmg, us leavving the house, and also this one i have was about my father crying on christmas with a bear on his hand at like 4 am he got mad and threw the christmas tree on the floor and I was lke 7 i got really scared too. I just want to become a new person and forget everything.