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let me tell you a story. it isn’t a super interesting story, but it’s my story. it’s real, and it’s the truth. the whole truth. i’m not sure what drove me to write this, but here i am. this is my life and the true shit which has come with it. you may sympathise me when you read this, you may call me a sociopath. your verdict is irrelevant to me since i remain anonymous, i don’t give a shit. maybe this will interest someone? maybe someone will give me a profound answer.
before i start, i’d like to mention that i may have forgotten some details. some of my fancies were not as relevant as others, so they may be forgotten. the truth is, i mainly develop feelings for others as a way to validate myself, for whatever reason. i had an OK childhood i guess, i can’t really say whether it had a good impact on my subconscious or not to be honest. that doesn’t matter, i’m here now and there’s no changing the past. it got serious with (A), during 6th form. i don’t remember the year, but it was when i resat due to failing my exams, i never paid attention in school and rarely did any studying. i can’t deny the fact that i was mesmerised by (A), she did make me feel a type of way. i believe i told my best friend (J) at the time that she was so different from the others. whether that is true or not, i don’t know. we were in love for a while, until i got bored. i won’t go into detail but i did some bad shit, for myself and for her. i dragged on the relationship way too long, because i was too much of a pussy to end it. i eventually ended it and probably cried, i can’t remember. i moved on instantly because the break up had already happened in my head. a few months later i missed her attention, i deceived myself into thinking it was love and we got back together. i do regret it, i never wanted to hurt her that way. she was a good person, but for some reason i did not care. i told myself i loved her and it would be different. of course, it wasn’t. we stopped having sex, covid happened, we saw each other less and less. that’s when i met (B), the one who fucked me up. well, i say she fucked me up, it was most likely myself but i don’t know why. i broke up with (A), again, to get with (B). although there was probably a dodgy grey area. yes i get it, i’m a piece of shit. thanks, i know. (B) was a breath of fresh air, i was with her for almost 2 years. she pissed me off a lot towards the end and there were many times when i wished i never met her. oh i forgot to mention that i was doing a lot of coke when i was with (A), towards the end. she never knew until the end. anyway, back to (B). i did settle with her, it’s not what she deserved, but whatever. it is what she deserves now so it went full circle. i was going to be with her, i had my ticket booked. i was going to run away from my parents and live with her. she errrr
she fucking
left me for someone else, who she had gotten close to in about 3 days. idk what to say about it now because it’s been 3 months. i love victimising myself, it makes me forget about my wrong doings. i know my wrong doings, and i know how it feels to have it done to me. sorry my writing is probably shit now, i’m just typing aimlessly. anyway, she left me blah blah blah i was crushed i wanted to die and idk why???? i was awful to her in my own way and she didn’t even know it. i didn’t want to be with her, but when she rejected me it became the worst thing which ever happened to me. and by worse thing i mean WORSE THING. it was absolutely awful and i’m sorry even i went through that. but here i am victimising myself again i am sorry. it’s been 3 months and i would be lying if i said i didn’t miss her. i tried to move on with someone called (V), but she rejected me. she’s probably lucky. have i changed?
i miss (B) a lot these days, in a different way. it’s less bitter, i wish it was all so different. i wish she didn’t do that to me, but in a way she saved herself, and saved me. but i miss her. it’s a strange paradox and idk if i’ll get out of it any time soon. i hope she thinks of me sometimes, i wonder if she’ll ever contact me again. i wonder if they’ll break up. if they break up then i’ll probably message her. it’ll be nostalgic if anything. it’s only been 3 months but it feels like years. why is that? i always feel like it’s been way longer, but it hasn’t. do i move on from my emotions too quickly? is there something wrong with me? so many questions.
i miss (B), despite what she did to me, i think a part of me always will.
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Yes, there is something wrong with you and it is a common disorder. You expect to become and to remain satisfied when you attain / acquire your preferred relationship. The satisfaction you feel is caused by the desire (the pursuit) ending when this person enters your life. The person you are with did not cause it. This person does not have the capacity to make you happy and keep you satisfied. After a short while, the intensity of your good feelings fade and you blame them for disappointing you.
What you want more than anything else is to be and remain happy and satisfied. The error is you thinking that a preferred person, substance (coke for a while), activity, or circumstance can deliver this to you. The solution is simple but not obvious.
Each of us is self-aware to an extent but when this knowledge is not clear, our true nature is hidden. When it is cleared up, our life becomes a whole lot less complicated. The satisfaction and happiness you are pursuing can't be earned, provided, delivered, achieved, acquired, produced, or possessed. It shows up and exists through you when you realize that you are already and always have been OK. You don't need anything. Relationships and other things are nice, even wonderful sometimes, but they are not required.
I can see that you are leaning toward this understanding because you know something is wrong. Stay with this focus until it all becomes clear to you.
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