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I can’t do this anymore!!!!!!!!!
1 year ago · · Stress, · Explicit
I went vegetarian for ethical reasons but sometimes I wish I hadn’t done it. Ever since I stopped eating meat I’ve been paranoid about the food I eat. Last night my roommate offered to order some Chinese. I didn’t think and I just ordered the first thing labelled ‘vegetable dish’ I saw. It was broccoli with some garlic sauce. I thought nothing of it when I ate it. It was really good. Tonight I was heating it up when I got curious and googled what was in Chinese garlic sauce. Says that it’s traditionally made with a meat broth. I fucking panicked and I got sick to my stomach and I can’t bring myself to eat it. I don’t know for sure whether it has meat in it or not but I don’t want to take the chance. My roommate tells me I should eat it because I don’t know for sure. That I should imagine the best case scenario. Hate to break it to her but the odds are not looking too pretty. The bowl is sitting on the counter right now getting cold. I don’t know whether to eat it or throw it out. If I throw it out that’s a waste of food. By the time someone reads this I’ll probably have decided what to do with it but that’s not why I’m here. I’m here because being vegetarian is simultaneously the best and worst thing I’ve ever done. Best because I know what they do in those slaughterhouses. It took a serious psychological effect on me to see those photos. But now that I’m a vegetarian I’ve become neurotic. I refuse to eat anything unless I’ve cooked it myself or read the ingredients list. I can’t order at restaurants without asking a barrage of questions to the waiter. What broth does this soup use? Is there fish sauce in this pad thai? I’m incredibly scared to ingest anything because I might be eating another animal. As far as I’m concerned they’re as worthy of consideration as anyone else but looking out for them has taken its toll on me. Now that I’m a vegetarian there’s no way I’m going to revert. But I feel like shit. I used to eat just about anything someone put in front of me. Now I stare down the ingredients list like a madman and pray I don’t find anything I can’t eat. Seeing dead animal listed among the ingredients makes me physically sick. I’m constantly stressed. Every living creature matters to me to the point that I’ve forgotten I’m a living creature and that I matter too. I shouldn’t be this scared all the time but I have to be in order to preserve my sanity. I will lose my shit if I ever have to knowingly eat meat again.