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When and how did it start? When I consider why, I can only think of one reason. It's been almost four years since I broke up with my ex-partner. Since then, I lost a lot of parts of myself. I am an energetic woman. I bring good vibes to my surroundings. I always smile, I always want to make someone's day. Life seems easy for me because I'm in love and inspired. I always adjust and align my decisions with my lover. He's all I need. I'm complete. No problems because I have him. I can do anything because I have someone. I am always looking forward to any exciting challenges or moments that I may encounter and learn from. I'm very active in academic and social life. I always surprise everyone with my skills at school. (I'm an architecture student). There were times when I did have the highest score among my proctored classmates. Some of my professors are looking forward to my designs, concepts, and plates. If I get low grades on a quiz, they get disappointed because that's not what they see me as or what they expect of me. Which I'm proud of because they care, which means they are also looking forward to my work. I am very determined and motivated at my career. I am so focused on myself and my work that no one can even bring me down or make me get jealous or insecure.
I took a break for a year at school when we broke up. I feel like everything has fallen down. I'm torn. I always drink, I lose my motivation, I lose myself, I feel so small, especially when he's friend scares me or tries to ruin my image by going to my school for me to get punished. I did someone wrong, I admit that. But I didn't do anything bad to them, just to one person. That incident scares me because I almost got charged with cyberbullying. ( Long story short, I caught my ex and his ex-fling (friend) in his room alone. I can open his account and his brother also confirmed it. Upon talking to him about it, he just said he gets help from her with his studies. (lol) group study in a room alone. Also, their group chat says it all. Their friends are linking them together jokingly. I couldn't accept it. I felt so hurt that I couldn't hold back and control my emotions and actions, so I posted their sweet pictures together, the couple dates, but I blurred them. the girl always look for my ex as well at that time, she wants an accompany to go here and there and that happened when the girl broke up with his boyfriend) Right now, I'm trying to get back on my feet. It's been a year since I started to improve myself emotionally and physically. It's really hard. There are moments when I can discipline myself, but a lot of times I feel stuck. I don't know what's holding me back. My self-esteem has become so low that I don't want to talk about my life or my school because I feel so small to whoever it is that I'm talking to. I'm just trying to survive. (By the way, I was suicidal last year). I always reminisce about the old me. I want to bring it back so badly, so that I could finish my thesis now. I feel so desperate. I want to be a machine.
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You were dependent on your ex in a bad way. You should be able to go on as usual whether he is with you or not. Maybe he drew you in to be like this or you were only secure as long as he was around. Just because he is gone is no reason to fall apart. You should have separated your work life from your home life and not have had this dependence attitude. Now you need help so please see a therapist to get back to your normal routine and life. Ask the therapist to help you learn how to be independent in your next relationship (if you have one) so that this doesn't happen again. Best wishes.
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