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When will it get better?
5 months ago · 3 · Stress, +6
My husband and I aren't in a great place. I'm not even attracted to him anymore. He hasn't been emotionally supportive for years now. At the end of last year he got very sick and for 6 months couldn't work and during all of that I had to do everything by myself. I was exhausted but then again it wasn't THAT much different than how things are any other time.
He doesn't help with disciplining the kids. I'm always the bad guy, he's the fun parent. Our son has cognitive delays and behavioral problems and he's watched our son hit, scratch, punch, kick, headbutt me, etc and he doesn't do anything about it and when I ask him why he doesn't step in he tells me "Oh...well because it looks like you've got things under control."
I do my best for my kids. Currently I stay-at-home but I'm enrolled in college courses and in 2 years I can be back in the workforce. I take my kids to so many fun places to do fun things. We have a pool and a swing set in our backyard. We play games and spend time watching their favorite movies. And yet, they're mean and nasty all the time. My daughter is constantly arguing everything. Legit everything I say to her she turns it into an argument. She's 6! She's also suddenly afraid of everything so when we go to places like amusement parks we can't even enjoy things as a family because she refuses to do anything. I'm talking about things even like the lazy river at a waterpark that goes slow and the water is waist high. And any inside rides she just refuses and screams and yells. My son just seems like a miserable child all around. I don't know what I did wrong. I try my hardest to get them to understand how fortunate they are and how other kids do not have what they have, but they don't care.
I feel like between them and my husband I am mentally beat down on a regular basis and my spirit is gone. The spark has gone from my eyes. No one else seems to notice it, only me. Everyone else seems to think everything is fine even though they see what I go through. No one ever offers to help. Neither set of grandparents really bothers. One set is slightly more attentive than the other(and the "other" lives so close we could walk to their house within minutes...but they never see my kids).
The one person whom I had in my life that was sort of keeping me tethered together, my aunt, died suddenly in June. No warning, it was very sudden. I spoke with her just a few days earlier and everything was fine. Then she was gone. We spoke all the time. She was always there for me anytime I needed someone to talk to or a shoulder to lean on. I miss her so much.
In the past 6 years 3 of my cats have passed away(they were old) and the last one passed in March of this year. You know how there's always that ONE pet that's just different? Special? Like they feel like your soulmate and you get them and they get you even though you don't speak each other's languages and there's just that special bond. He was that one. It's been hard. We have cats in the house still, as the others passed we've gotten new ones, but I don't seem to have a bond like that quite yet with any of them. I'm hoping some day.
My parents are both still alive but my mother is a covert narcissist and I can't tell her anything otherwise she'll turn it around on me and somehow I'm to blame for all of the world's problems, including hers. So I don't have her as that person to keep me tethered together. I have no one now. If I try to speak to my husband about my feelings he just tells me "I thought you had pills for that?" and leaves it at that.
We went to a waterpark with our kids over the weekend and between the kids acting up and all of the noise and the people I was becoming overwhelmed. I said I needed a break so my husband said he'd take the kids to the wave pool. I wound up in the bathroom in one of the changing rooms crying because I just hated everything so much.
It's going to sound awful but: I hate being a parent. I haven't found one part of it yet that's been fun or rewarding. MAYBE when the kids were smaller? But that's long gone and not coming back. I'm not sure they even like me anymore. Forget the fact that I fought for months alongside lawyers to get my son the correct placement in school because the school he was in wasn't treating him well, forget the fact that I had to contact the Superintendent of the school district to ask for special permission to send my daughter to another school in the district because I didn't want her attending the school he did and dealing with any of the crap from that. Forget the fact that I try and plan all sorts of fun things for them to do all the time just to try and make them happy. I just think they hate me.
Now I have to go back to school work that, whereas I like it, takes a lot from my days. 3 hours of practice a day and 18 hours minimum a week. That's not including lecture times and also the other class I'm also taking. I want these next 2 years to fly by.
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You are ok.
Too often people will do nothing (your husband) because they are content with their lives. To them, they see no problems because the issues are being taken care of. The problem solver and blamer is someone else, not theirs. You have been his crutch to do everything. As long as you are there, he will continue to do as little as possible.
As for outside support, everyone has issues. So no one wants to help you because they dont want more issues. Might sound mean, but the best thing to do is take the kids and go. Kids reflect their surroundings. Your husband behavior towards you may be why the kids act up on you. They might see dad do it, so it is ok to treat you the same. Taking the kids away from his lack of support might be your best options for you. Your mental sake is critically to enjoying life. It is not an easy road, but you got to find your own sanity in order to better those around you.Reply
I'm sorry for the loss of your aunt and your cat. It's difficult when the people/creatures that we have an emotional bond with pass away. I lost my 11 year old bunny boy a few years ago so I understood what you meant. You've lost the thing that gave you companionship, affection, a safe thing to share your love and heart with ❤️. In regards to your family, they're ungrateful, all of them. They don't see what you do because you've always done it. Don't wait for sn offer of support or help from your partner, ASK for it when you need it or advice that you need it when certain situations happen. When you're not given that support, let him know how it makes you feel about your partnership together. Congratulations on returning to study, it's the best thing you can be doing for yourself. Yes it'll be hard too and you will need to let some things go, or be put aside in order to prioritise yourself. I've returned to study and I work full-time and it's busy sometimes (you'll have the kids too ofcourse) but, I'll give some tips that I've learnt. + Don't leave it all to cram the learning or work all together, start earlier and in small chunks even. + Convert text to speech if you prefer learning by listening or if you're time poor as it'll allow you to read (listen) when you're doing mundane things like cleaning or cooking or traveling etc).+ Bulk food prep. I don't do a giant amount but on the weekend will always make sure we've got bread, a soup, rice, pasta, curry, pasta sauce etc. Things that prep in advance well and can be used for atleast a few weeknight meals etc. You'll save so much time there. +Study in a quiet environment. You might listen to lofi music on YouTube or white noise etc to block distractions but it helps. I'd suggest, given your full house etc, commiting to a certain amount of study at the library instead so no excuses, no distractions etc. Anyway I hope this all helps, otherwise just leave them all for a bit and see what you come back to. You got this ❤️Reply
If I were in your situation, I would try and carve out more time for myself. In the end, you need to do what's right for you (and this will positively impact your kids). I know having time for yourself with children is nearly impossible but maybe you can hire someone to watch them 1 day or 1 night a week. I have 1 night a week to myself and I go out with my girlfriends and this really fills up my cup for the rest of the week. Ask for help from those you trust who are willing to help you. I would also sign up for consistent couples counseling. Things will get better, hang in there!Reply