My Unsent Letter.

Dear J,

It's so funny how I'm so fucking hung up on you when you're the one who fucked-up. You already started dating new girls. How could you go from saying you would love me forever one day, and then calling some other girl your "forever" the next day? You call your stupid girlfriend "your everything". Weird to think how that's what I once was to you, and it was so easy for you to just replace me like we never happened. You're just full of bullshit. I've honestly thought about texting you and going off but what is that going to do? You'll never come back, it's too hard to explain how much I still love you when I was the one that broke us. It's hard to explain that I couldn't fight for us anymore. It's hard to tell you that I didn't want to be alive anymore, that I didn't want to cause any more harm in your life. That I didn't want to be a burden anymore. I know that's all I ever was to you. Sometimes I stay up and I wonder, do you think about me too? Do you talk to her and think of me? Do you do stuff with her that you used to do with me? Do you call her the nicknames you used to call me? Did our relationship mean anything to you? I wonder if thoughts of us ever stop you from sleeping like they do to me. Have you ever thought about the what ifs? What if we had never broken up from the beginning? What if I never dated N? I always thought you were the one. It's funny how much I sacrificed for you, and how much I defended you to my friends. I gave up so much for you, and all you gave me was a broken heart. If I'm being honest my whole world revolved around you, you were my sun. My everything, like she's your everything to you now. Your name was all of my passwords, everything would always remind me of you, I would think about you on a daily basis. And even though we don't even talk anymore you still affect me a lot. Haven't changed my passwords, I kept all the pictures, and every single thing reminds me of you. My Starbucks coffee, the books I read, the podcasts I listen to, the food I eat, the fucking clothes I wear, every. single. fucking. thing. You don't get it, J. You're my entire world. I've lost my direction, my sun. I don't know what to revolve around anymore. I just feel broken and lost. You were my other half. Maybe she's yours now, or is she a rebound?? Who knows and honestly, I don't want to know. I don't care if she calls you "my love" or if you guys have "I love you more" fights. I don't care if you guys plan your future dates and buy promise rings. I don't care if she's just a rebound you're using to fill a void. And I'm sure you don't care either. It doesn't matter anymore. I don't know what else to wake up to anymore, I have nothing else to look forward to or anything. I don't have anyone I can tell everything to anymore. Sometimes when I'm thinking about something I wonder "What would J say?" And then I remember your opinion doesn't matter anymore. I have no one to say "this made me think of you" or to rant about random shit. Let me tell you something. N wanted me back and I didn't know how to say no. I don't love him like I loved you. But I feel obligated to date him because I don't want to break him like I did you. Or are you even broken? Maybe you never even loved me at all. It's funny how you can act like nothing, or maybe it's just an act. I don't know how you feel. And it doesn't matter what I want anymore, I'm not part of your life anymore. And it really hurts to say that out loud. There's like this knife in my chest, and every time I think of you it twists a little. Sometimes I'm just sitting there, and it hits me; I might never see or talk to you again and that's fucking heartbreaking. Like every day I wake up like a fucking zombie, I do the same thing every day and I wonder how it ended this way. We were so fucking happy. I've been struggling with self-harm more lately; you were the only one that cared about my well-being. Do you still care about me at all? Would you try to stop me if I wanted to suicide? I don't know, I just don't know anything. I can't even listen to music without thinking of you. I actually have a playlist dedicated to you, sometimes I like to cry and sometimes I scream. Occasionally I like to blame you, because I'm not the only one to blame for our falling out. You fucked-up too, we were doing so good, J. Why'd you have to mess it up? Saying I cheated just because someone you barely knew told you I was? Really J? You're so much better than that. Yes, I was the one who decided we shouldn't be together for a while and yes, I have fucked up before. We've been through so much together J. You always encouraged me through everything, and you were always open to me about everything. I know you also had problems, and I always tried to be there for you as well. Actually, one time I started making a drawing of us so I could show you for our anniversary. I still have it, it’s just unfinished. I never got the chance to show you. I had this moment in time where I thought if I got rid of everything I could move on and forget. Clearly it didn't work, you still haunt me. I still have our anniversary saved in my calendar; it reminds me every month. I just miss everything about you. You were the only person that was good at comforting me. The only one I could say random stuff to, and you could keep the conversation going. With N it’s hard to talk about feelings at all, every time I talk to him, I just think of you. It’s fucking impossible. I just want to go back to the old days where it was N and KJ, and me and you. We were all friends. And remember the weekly video chats? They were kind of like double dates, except long distance. I miss those. I miss the days where we could all talk, where we were all each other's favorite people. Remember the days where we had first met? Those were the best days. Maybe it just would have been better if we never dated. Every single day I would go through my day as fast as I could just so I could go home and text you, but it was all the same to you. Honestly sometimes I wonder if you ever even cared about me. How could you move on so fucking easily while I’m stuck here writing letters to you that you'll never read? How? I just want to know the truth, I want closure. Please come back, J. I know you won’t, I know you’re happy. But I need you, you were the only staple in my life. You were the only thing that made me get through my day. I love you, J. No matter what happens in the future, no matter who you love or if you marry someone else. Just know I’m always watching from the sidelines even if I can’t directly be in your life. Although I do have to admit if I could go back, I don't think I would change anything between us. Sure, I would change stuff I did in general, but not with you. I would gladly do it all over again. And that just might be the worst part; I could never hate you, even if I wanted to.

Yours forever no matter what,

-B