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Never in my life have I felt such an array of emotions.
Although for years I had prepared both mentally and emotionally for the day my beloved Nero would leave, you never really know what to expect. I imagined I would feel a deep sadness, and ashamed to admit I knew I would feel a sense of relief.
Relief for many reasons.
Relief because I worried about him day after day. His declining health, and my tendency and incessant need and desire to put him first contributed to knowing that once he was gone he would be at peace, and perhaps I would then get peace. Not to be misinterpreted, I loved him, I loved my Nero like no one could love an animal. He wasn’t just a dog, he wasn’t a ‘fur baby’, he was my friend, my family, he was my confidant.
My days were on repeat with Nero.
The mornings started the same, hand feeding him breakfast, taking him to the toilet, giving him water then setting him down in his spot for the day. The days were the same too.
Making sure he was comfortable and had his needs met. By the end of the day I’d be exhausted. This was particularity exaggerated during the final trimester of my pregnancy, and when Nero started to rapidly decline.
I hoped in my heart he would live to meet my son; although having him live to meet my son also petrified me because I knew the real struggle I would face. To look after a newborn as a first time mother, then cater to an ailing pet who was far needier than most would prove to be extremely taxing on me.
As I hold my son I realise I wouldn’t have been able to do it. I wouldn’t have been able to give my son the attention he deserves plus the care that Nero needed.
This realisation hurts me.
Am I weak?
Am I selfish?
Perhaps I could’ve done it.
As I search my heavy heart I know Nero did this for me. I know he held on as long as he could for me and I know he knew it was his time before my son came. I believe he knew I would struggle and he didn’t want that for me.
Two weeks shy of fourteen years I looked after him. In his last days I know he made the decision to look after me.
If love could’ve saved you, you would have lived forever.
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