How do you cope with such a loss?

On October 13th, my best friend passed away. She overdosed on fentanyl.

I knew something was wrong. We had been together everyday for the last 3 weeks. When I woke up, I texted her. It had been 5 hours and still no response. So I called, and there was no answer. I kept texting and calling for 2 days. Then I woke up to a call from her phone so I jumped up and answered but, It was her mom. She asked me to meet her somewhere because she couldn't tell me over the phone. I ran there and she was crying. I started begging her to tell me she was okay and she said "I'm so sorry sweetheart, but she's gone." I fell to the ground, I was stuck. It felt like someone had just shot me in the chest. Everything went dark and it felt like I stopped breathing.

I talked to her mom for 30 minutes. Then got up, walked home and went inside as if nothing happened. My parents hated her and they didn't know we hung out or were even in contact. We never got to know what it felt like to hangout without it being in secret.

I fell into complete denial. I kept thinking to myself that there's no way she was gone. I convinced myself that we just weren't talking for a little bit. I continued like everything was fine. Her mom had asked me to be the one to tell all her friends. So the next day at school I started telling people. They would all just collapse in my arms and start crying. And I just held them and comforted them. I was completely numb.

Two days ago, I attended her service. When I saw her in that casket, it felt like I was dying. My whole world had just fallen apart. This girl saved my life. Every time I was struggling mentally, or being abused, or got kicked out, she was there. When I got sent away for 8 months, nobody looked for me or asked about me, except her. She was all I had. She took me in, and showed me love. She would have done anything for me, just as I would've for her. When nobody else had me, she did.

And everybody is coming to me for comfort, and I understand you are upset. But where were you at her service? You only started to care after she died. I understand other people are hurting too, but I need comfort as well. I feel completely and utterly alone.

I wish I could have saved her life the way she saved mine.