august

one of my closest guy friends attempted to rape me at a party. We had been out on the lawn just sitting together and he threw himself over me. It never got to the actual physical definition of rape, but he started. And he tried. And he did it through my pants before attempting to remove my clothes and luring me into a bathroom. I tried to pull him off me but he didn’t budge. I then told him no in the calmest way possible because I had no idea what he was like when he was drunk. Everyone at the party was pretty drunk besides me. I hate alcohol and always will. I never really considered that night to be anything that bad because I thought that’s how I was supposed to think of it. It wasn’t until the other day I admitted it to a friend who told me I should be more worried about it. I should talk about. I shouldn’t just say that I was uncomfortable and move on. But I don’t know if there’s anything I can do other than live with the fact that anyone I considered to be far from a monster is capable of that or more. I just wanted to get this off my chest because it doesn’t seem like I can take it anywhere else. I just feel completely disassociated from intimacy even though I want it, I want a relationship with someone. But after that incident and reading these essays from articles written by women and watching these movies, I cant help but turn away from it. But I don’t want to. But what am I supposed to do with this information or myself?