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one of my closest guy friends attempted to rape me at a party. We had been out on the lawn just sitting together and he threw himself over me. It never got to the actual physical definition of rape, but he started. And he tried. And he did it through my pants before attempting to remove my clothes and luring me into a bathroom. I tried to pull him off me but he didn’t budge. I then told him no in the calmest way possible because I had no idea what he was like when he was drunk. Everyone at the party was pretty drunk besides me. I hate alcohol and always will. I never really considered that night to be anything that bad because I thought that’s how I was supposed to think of it. It wasn’t until the other day I admitted it to a friend who told me I should be more worried about it. I should talk about. I shouldn’t just say that I was uncomfortable and move on. But I don’t know if there’s anything I can do other than live with the fact that anyone I considered to be far from a monster is capable of that or more. I just wanted to get this off my chest because it doesn’t seem like I can take it anywhere else. I just feel completely disassociated from intimacy even though I want it, I want a relationship with someone. But after that incident and reading these essays from articles written by women and watching these movies, I cant help but turn away from it. But I don’t want to. But what am I supposed to do with this information or myself?
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Its clear here that you still care about your friend. You're still in shock of what has happened. The most important thing is you do what you need to do. If you want to speak to someone about it you can reach out to your parents or speak to the anonymous rape helpline 0808 802 9999. Im so sorry that all this has happened to you. It's most probably will effect your trust in the future with future friendships and relationships. Do not rush anything with this. You need to go at your own speed. If you want to talk to someone you can, if you need extra support its out there for you. But if you're not ready to talk about it thats ok too. Don't let anyone force you to do anything you don't want to. This is hard time. I'm sorry.
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