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I wanna die. I think I’m a horrible person and I deserve to die. I’m not here to get attention. Maybe… I don’t know.
I don’t know what I want anymore.
This pain, numb, exhausted feeling.
I’m tired of it all.
Is it possible to feel both immense pain and numbness at the same time?
Maybe I’m weird.
I’m always weird.
Which is why it’s hard to make friends and it’s hard to keep them.
I think my family and boyfriend are better off without me. I only cause trouble to them and cause them too much suffering and pain. I know I promise I won’t cut. But I think that’s better than being addicted to paracetamol. Well, I was almost addicted to it. I noticed on the third day that I’ve been drinking paracetamol twice a day and on the third day I was about to drink the third pill.
All I wanted is someone to make me happy for once. I don’t have to tell them what I wanted them to do for me because they noticed or observed me like how I did for them.
Maybe my request is too selfish of me.
It’s sad that I can comfort myself and act like nothing happened.
It’s sad that I have to beg other people to be able to do things I want to do.
It’s sad that my friends don’t ever think of me when they plan on trips but when I’m planning trips, I think of them all.
My boyfriend said that it was because of me he was able to stay and be part of the group but I think it’s because of him that they were able to think of me at all.
I was not allowed most of the time to go out. My parents, in fear, I get hurt but at my age, they got to go wherever they want.
I tried to deny their requests but they get mad at me. They said they would be okay with it it but instead they get mad at me. I thought it’s fine but it’s not fine.
Because of that, I have to find situations that I HAVE to do this or a no-choice situations but it is still in line to me doing what I want. Like “I have to stay at the university mother because I have to attend this because I’m an officer. It’s my duty, I have to do this.”
I’m such a deadweight and burden. If possible I could die through my sleep.
I hate fake smiles.
I hate faking that I’m okay.
I hate finding no-choice situations so that I can do whatever I like.
I hate myself the most.
Why am I like this?
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Still me. I would like to add that my no-choice situation also applies to my boyfriend but I tried being honest about what I want to do first. It’s just that after he is mad and pouting, that’s when I start my no-choice or logical situation.
ReplyBabe that's manipulation.
ReplyI relate to you a lot... But let me say.
If you are needing to utilize drugs to be okay, may I suggest you seeking medication that will actually help you and stabilizing your depression and anxiety?
Addiction is a disease. Not something easy to overcome.
Another suggestion would be, try taking Vitamin D3 supplements for at least 1 month with low sugar intake.
Let me start off saying, weird isn't weird. It's just not meant to be. Being forgotten is an painful experience that even I am still struggling to deal with today.
You're not a burden.
I'm spiritual, and I'm sorry if this sounds lame. But it might help you the way it helped me.
I don't believe in do good and receive good karma.
Do regardless of what you have done, if you time it and you set your goal to it I believe the universe will deliver and so will your spirit team. But i order to get what you want, you need to make some sacrifices and change.
If you want friends who value you, and see you and think of you first. You need to remove those who hinder you and keep you behind them.
My experience:
* I wasn't in therapy during this time
I had two friends (in person) both of them were toxic. One hated the other and the other was too traumatized and made me feel like i had to mask my ADHD with the things she said. Eventually one made me pick the other and i treated the other like shit even though she was just broken. Not healed. Didn't understand. But she wasn't entirely a good person.
Then one day, i got tired. Blocked them both. Went on my way. For a week i would often find myself laying in bed asking the universe
"Why cant I just have friends who get me?" "I just want friends who will understand my love language, and put me first for once"
I spoke it out loud. Forgot about. Posted it on my private Twitter. Forgot about it.
There's two things i did.
1. I accepted change
2. I released what no longer served me
And in return through the terrible 6 months of pain and loneliness. A friend who i really barely knew from Middle school and highschool came back around after years of not speaking since college. Turned out they did the same. They got rid of a lot of people during their depression.
We ended up becoming very close. She became one of my best friends today.
Less than 1 month later i abruptly quit my job after years of taking shit. I started a new job. I met a girl who was just everything i asked for, at first i was on edge but then I quickly realized.
This girl was also ADHD, the energy i asked for, someone who sees my love language, and is caring. Of course i have my struggles with our friendship but i met someone who i asked for.
Now they're both my best friends.
And same goes for the boyfriend i found. I grew up into grooming and toxic relationships that broke me. I learned to release and accept the change even when it hurt, and don't get me wrong i did my fair share of screaming why me, out of all people why me.
Because it needed to be learned. I needed to learn to care for myself, put myself forward.
So no, you're not selfish for wanting to be seen.
You're not selfish for wanting to be free.
You're not a burden because the people around you don't care.
You're not worthless
You're not anything you see yourself as.
You are a human person with experiences that you can't process. And you don deserve to be so lost that you can't find yourself out.
I use to say, imagine a box, just this plain old box with nothing in it. Open the box.
What do you see? Nothing. The box is empty. So over time you fill this box, trauma, heartbreak, sorrow, memories, friendships, pets, family, but before... This box served no purpose because it's empty. It's just taking up space.
It's not true. This box is able to hold items, it's able to be filled. But doesn't mean a box won't have junk in it. You need to filter that junk out. Now this box is holding purpose. The only things that will remain in this box are things you value.
I offer free tarot if you're interested.
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