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What are you supposed to tell your significant other when it comes to past trauma? I’ve told my girlfriend a bit of the things I’ve gone through because I have a hard time with it and they’ve told me to I can talk to them about it. But I guess I’ve talked and said too much because they put up a boundary and now they don’t want me to talk to them about it at all. Tonight we were talking about how I was having a hard day and when they asked what it was about I explained it was about past stuff and the kind of stuff I can’t talk with them about. They told me they feel guilty I can’t talk to them bc they put up that boundary and I told them they shouldn’t be. They also said it’s just something I shouldn’t talk to them about. Like not something they don’t want to hear, it’s something I shouldn’t talk to them about and something they shouldn’t know in the first place. In my mind I’d want to know everything because I’m their partner but we’re two different people. I was wondering what I should tell them? Like what should a significant other know? Should I have just kept it all to myself even when they asked? I don’t know. I’m really confused for some reason and I feel really bad for making them feel uncomfortable
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Your girlfriend might feel that she should help you somehow, but she doesn't know how so she would rather not hear it. She also could be overwhelmed by your past traumas especially if she has had nothing like this happen to her and has never heard of these traumas before.
ReplyI feel like if shouldn't be difficult for any of you to share anything with your partner. I mean like if you are with someone then you would obviously want to know everything about them even the bad things also .. It was your past and I am pretty sure it will help you if you shared such a personal thing with her .. Suppose she was in the same situation then wouldn't you want to know about the things which are making her act a certain way ? I am pretty sure you would because that's how a good relationship should be... you both should be ready to help each other grow and get out of your past traumas ... I think your girlfriend is not yet ready to learn about such things about your past yet ... There might be many reasons for it like she might not feel that close to you yet or maybe she don't know how she is supposed to act after learning about such things or you could say she is simply not ready yet ... so give her some time to figure it out herself... And whenever next time this topic comes up tell her that you want to learn about everything about her including her past ( If that's what you really want ) and tell her that you also want to share your past with her but it is ok if she is not ready yet ... you can do that whenever she feels ready and comfortable hearing this ... With time if you hopefully stay together then I am pretty sure that moment will come when she will be ready to learn about it all ..
ReplyOn my take here, it is okay that you let the truth because they ask for it. But putting all the blame for yourself, for making them uncomfy is not your fault.
First of all, they asked for your trauma, you tell the story, and that's it. If they don't like it and felt uncomfortable, it's their problem not yours.
Secondly, tell that significant other of yours that "if there's something going on or problem, you can always lend an ear to listen." You might be their significant other but it does not make you a less of a friend.
ReplyWell...
I think this has put you in a really unfair position. She says "tell me about it", but isn't prepared to actually listen?? And now she's making you feel worse for having brought up what was making you feel hurt in the first place??
This girlfriend is not someone you can be vulnerable with, and I guess that *maybe* that could have been a healthy boundary on her part if she had been encouraging you to offload onto someone better equipped to help you (your partner is not and cannot be your therapist) - BUT to tell you that you simply can never talk to her about something that is an important part of your past? Seems kind of... callous to me.
Like she made you pick an emotional scab, and left you bleeding. Where is the emotional support for you in this situation?
Ultimately, the answer to what, and how much, and when you decide to share with your partner is "When it feels right to do so" - It's entirely up to you. But it sounds like this person is not going to be able to handle that information, or your vulnerability. She's just not equipped for it, and it's causing more hurt to you in the process.
You deserve to be able to talk to someone about your trauma. The best audience would be a trained professional, but if your girlfriend can't even tolerate you naming your experience, even when it becomes relevant to what you're experiencing emotionally in the present... I don't think that's going to be good for your wellbeing, or your relationship in the long run.
I wish you comfort and healing.
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