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I have a couple of friends, but two of them mean the most to me. For the sake of this post I'll call them Lilly and Sofia.
Me and Sofia became close because of a mutual friend that abandoned the both of us. We both were connected only by that friend. We barely knew each other and honestly barely even spoke. But when this mutual friend ghosted us, that hurt made us bond and we got so close. I absolutely adore her and I can confidently say those feelings are reciprocated.
Now with Lilly, I can confidently say she probably knows me the best out of everyone in my life. I can't say I know her equally as well, but we are extremely close and she's currently the one "irl" friend that's stuck around the longest with me. We don't express our affection, gratitude or care to each other often, if at all, but we both have our own ways of getting the message across to each other.
I love both of these friends of mine. Both Lilly and Sofia mean a lot to me. But sometimes I feel so guilty.... Because there are darker parts of me that I wouldn't dare express to anyone, and the only person that has seen that side of me is Lilly. Sofia knows the sweet sides of me.... The rational sides of me.... The logical "dark" sides of me.... The cheery open-minded side of me.... And I'm too scared to fully open up to her...
Everytime something drastic happens, everytime I break down and need to vent, everytime I get excited over the stupidest things, I don't message Sofia... I go straight to Lilly. And yes, while one may argue that it is my choice at the end of the day as to who I wish to tell my life stories to, I can't help the guilt.
I'm always telling Sofia how much I love her, and care for her. I'm always telling her how much she means to me and reassuring her that I'll always be there. I'm always telling her that I trust her the most, I trust her with my life. But that kind of sounds hypocritical no? When I won't tell her anything even if I'm on the brink of blacking out from a breakdown and I'm unsure of who I want to reach out to.
I feel like I'm lying to her, when I know I'm not. I feel like if she finds out she wouldn't trust me anymore, which I know is an absurd thought, but I can't help it. I haven't been in the right mental state for quite some time now, and my paranoia is over the roof.
Is this normal? Feeling guilty over having a preferred friend to run to in times of need? Or am I being a little irrational considering I'm not 100% mentally right now....
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Do you not tell Sofia the darkest things about you because you privately can’t trust her with the information? Meaning she will judge you, or worse abandon you if she knew?
ReplyPartially I would have to agree I do... I guess it's because everytime I opened up to someone in the past, they always abandoned me over time... And as much as I know that it's highly unlikely for her to do the same(because we both have some serious abandonment issues and we both have some intense pasts to open up to each other)there's still that nagging feeling that's telling me if I start to let Sofia see that side of me, I'm gonna latch onto her and then it's gonna be too much for her to bear.... And then she might start distancing herself from me...
And even then I don't know if I'm scared of losing her myself, or if I'm scared of her losing one of the only support systems she has and tumbling back into her dark past with no one to help her out....
So basically yes I am afraid of her abandoning me.... But not because I'm scared she'd judge me. I wouldn't blame her if she did and I honestly don't think she will
Replyit's okay to prefer venting to a friend over another, especially if you've already been doing it. It's not like you're lying about loving her by not venting to her. It's what works for you and has been so far. Sometimes you have friends and you do different things and have different interests. This isn't much different than that
ReplyIf you are going to keep someone away and not be yourself, and in the backseat only, don’t get upset when they are no longer as available to you when they become someone else’s front seat, someone who always turns to them. It’s just the way the world and relationships work.
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